Being a mouse in a world full of sexy cats…

“I know how to be a wife and mom, its the sexy attracting men thing that’s throwing me off.” No where is that more prevalent than during Halloween. 

A few things to know about me to gather some context:

  1. I was Mormon during my teens and right after High School. I write about this in my first blog 😘
  2. I was married and had a baby when I was 20. I was a stay-at-home mom during the first few years of my daughter’s life. Most of the time I was in pajamas with spit up and a baby attached to my hip. 
  3. I didn’t have my first drink until on my 21st birthday. My ex-husband and I went to Applebee’s for dinner. We had a one year old at the table and I ordered an Appletini. It was the only drink that I recognized on the menu. I only knew about it from my favorite show at the time, Scrubs, it was JDs signature drink.

So needless to say, I did not have a time in my life where I lead with my sex appeal. Everywhere I go there are women that look absolutely beautiful and have a lot to offer inside too! They know how to do great make up, have “just the right” amount of cleavage, and walk in heels like they are walking in sneakers. 

Don’t get me wrong I am a good looking lady (if I do say so myself) and have a lot of skills to offer. I can make and take a sarcastic comment, calm a crying baby while folding laundry, talk about sports and be my man’s biggest fan and supporter. These things though that are great in the long term but in a world of swipes left and right how am I supposed to compete?

When I was thinking about this blog, I actually was a little down on myself. Why can’t I learn to walk in heels with more grace then a baby giraffe? Bringing the Cardi “cardigan” to the party is not sexy in anyone’s book.  Can’t I just lose a little weight to feel sexier?! Why couldn’t I be more of the lady that men want on their social media instead of the best friend? 

Halloween comes round and I need to shop for a costume for a party. I see all the sexy occupations, animals and scary creature options and think hmm is it my time?! In my mid thirties? Should I break the librarian or hoodie look? I debate on many options and finally land on a costume and hit the purchase button… 

That Saturday, I ask my daughter and her best friend to do my hair and make up. I need it to look perfect! I am going to pull out all the stops. These young women know every You Tube make up person, the best pallets, and how to create a “smoky eye”. I was  going to look smokin (get it like smoky eye πŸ˜‰) for sure. They do make up better as teenagers than I ever have.

They carefully curl my hair and with precision apply many layers of eyeshadow. I get dressed in my costume and grab a pair of black heels with gold bows and flats as options and head off to the store. I walk into Kroger to get my drinks (beer of course…you didn’t think I drank wine did you?) and was surprised by the reactions of the men. I get a lot of smiles and some comments. My costume was working! 
Driving to the party stopped at a light, beers in the back, singing Young Thugs “My Best Friend”, I notice a group of women pointing at me. They are talking to a small set of eyes peering from the back seat. I turn off my music, roll down my window and get a big smile and wave. It was only then that I knew I picked the best costume for me.

Yes a lot of women can carry the hot look and yes I am a little jealous of them. However, its just not me. Yes, I can use a little more make up in my everyday life, wear my hair down more often and put a sweater on instead of a hoodie to the store. But I’m always going to be the mama with yet another cardigan and flats playing rap music. What I realized is, rather than pretending to be someone I am not, the right man will enjoy my brand of sexy! After all in dating, being you is the sexiest thing you can do in heels or flats! 😍

Oh PS… The heels didn’t even make it to the front door. I didn’t think a broken ankle was worth it to “complete the look”.


On to Round 2…

As you all know these past few months have been difficult for me. A lot of tears and even more cloudy days. I’ve been from feeling like my heart is literally outside my chest exposed to it being locked away. 

So in during of my sadder nights, I was reading an article online and it mentioned an app specifically for break ups, Mend. 

I’ve felt stuck in the last month in a crazy cycle. So I thought  “What the hell?!” and downloaded the app.

The app starts with a list of questions presented like a chat. (It made answering them a lot more fun!) After I answered the getting to know you questions it gave me my first lesson. A soothing woman’s voice talked about 3 minutes about breakups in general.

It was very enlightening and I was hooked. After the lesson it gave me a journal page and topic. It was nice to write everything I was thinking and feeling. I was excited for the next days lesson. 

The next day the topic was about “Letting Go”. 

Below was my journal entry after the lesson about the word “Why?” (this is my actual entry so not perfected by any means):

I thought about this idea all day. I mean really all day. How can I let the idea go if my gut is saying don’t?

When I first learned to drive, my dad would tell me “Jill if the car breaks down on the road don’t be afraid to let someone help you. Don’t be the woman that hides in the car. Trust your gut and you’ll be fine.” 

He has always believed in my intuition and had taught me to believe in it too.  I have always believed in my gut 100% without question. I know this is the main reason why I’ve struggled so hard with this break up. 

However, after a couple of days thinking about how I can let go, I’ve come to two conclusions.

  1. I may be wrong
  2. I have done all I can do. I have no more words, ideas or memes to send. I don’t even have a desire to send anything. (I haven’t got a reply in over 3 weeks so that helps)

This doesn’t mean that I don’t still love Jack or think we will end up together. All it means is that I’m giving up the idea I have any control over it. This is up to fate now. I will either be wrong and find the love of my life or Jack will contact me and be willing to be all in. Only time will tell. 

In the meantime, I’m moving on…actually  moving on. So far, I’ve chatted with a few cute guys with thoughtful and humorous replies.  I’m going to take my time and am in no rush. I deserve a great guy and am willing to put the work in to find him. Plus I can’t wait to tell you all about him and the misses along the way πŸ˜‰

Your card or mine?

So I’m going to be heading back into the dating world and got thinking back to the basics.  These things I honestly didn’t think I would have to worry about again… But here I am. Now this may be something that you may disagree with me on and people tend to have strong feelings about…but let me tell you my thoughts.

Who should pay for a date?

Before I dated Jack (furthermore the time noted as BJ), I went on a date with a guy named James*. James was good looking, smart and pretty nice.  He didn’t text much but wanted to meet. I looked him up on Facebook and decided “sure why not?” 

At the time I was head over heels for Jack but it was during my confusing just friends stage so I was still out there trying to date. (I will not date until I’m ready this time).

So we met at a local bar close to my house. He was good looking in person but a little awkward. We started off with small chat and a drink. The conversation was slow but when we found out we both love the same morning show the conversation started rolling. I was laughing so hard talking about the show I was tearing up. 

We then moved on to other shallow topics. When the topic of my blog came up the mood shifted quickly. Then as his drinks continued to climb his attitude plummeted…  We all know that guy πŸ™„

So about an hour and a half in and for him a six pack drank…  the sweet release of the bill comes. I immediately told the waitress “This will be two checks.” 

The guy then rolled his eyes and did the silent treatment with me. Seriously, like a third grader. I think the waitress had to go to Europe to split the check. 

This leads me to my first guideline:

If I know that I am not interested in a second date I will pay for myself.

Dating is tough enough for men. They are typically always the first message, asking for the date and are typically expected to pay. Dating is expensive and I don’t need to take away from their budget just to see if we are compatible.

However, if there is going to be a second date I always offer but do not insist. I will have a chance to get them back on the next date. It’s give and take at that point.

If I know that they will not let me pay for myself I keep it cheap. 

You can typically tell if a guy is old fashioned. The guy that is super nice but when you meet there is no spark. The guy that you know immediately “he’d make a great friend.” Not the goal of most dates. 

So in this case I keep my bill very cheap. I’ll go for a cup of soup and maybe a soda. I don’t want to fight about the bill or make it too awkward but also don’t want to take advantage. 

I never go to a place on a first date that is outside of my budget.

This is to prepare myself for the above situation. A first date is about getting to know a guy. Save the big moves for a future special woman in your life. That’s not me… on date one. 

Also, there may come a date where a wallet is forgotten or something. If that happens I don’t want my budget to be blown or me to have to wash dishes in the back.

Last note:

Finally, for the woman that use well intentioned men for a “free meal.” I have one piece of advice that someone should have told you a long time ago. Your mere presence is not worth an Outback steak house dinner with a drink and appetizer. I know your type “Yes, I’ll take the baked potato loaded. I mean really go big or go home!” πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

My advice in that situation is to go home and stay there…

A little statistic that shows me hope I may not be in the minority πŸ˜‰

2 Months and Counting…

So two months post break up. Well I guess I can say two months but honestly we talked until a few weeks ago. To someone that is getting bored of the post break up blogs and looking forward to a little dating action… I hear ya! I can’t wait for that time either.

Last week I had my monthly meeting with my counselor. I told her how I’m struggling with moving on. She gave me great advice and told me to take the next 30 Days and focus on me. Don’t text Jack* and don’t go on dating sites. It was great advice and I followed it for 3 days then… Yesterday happened.

I woke up and the very first thing I thought about was Jack. Like literally first thing in the morning. It has been a while since I was in that phase. Jack was not perfect, our relationship wasn’t perfect and yet whenever anything happens he’s the one I want to tell. 

To everyone that is thinking “Come on Jill! Get it together!” I hear ya once again.

Believe it or not I know the below things:

  • Jack is not looking for the same type of relationship I am. I’m looking for a life teammate. Someone to grow with and learn from. He’s not… At least not with me.
  • Jack is not pining after me. The last time we spoke it was clear this was one sided.  He was caring but the emotions tied to this break up are mine.
  • Jack is very clear he is not to reply to my texts or answer my calls. In a stroke of genius I thought this was a great idea and told him “Do not reply to me or answer my calls”…More to that in a minute.
  • My texting Jack or talking to him won’t make him change his mind on his future goals. That is going to take actual focus on his part, which sadly he won’t make time for. 

Now onto yesterday… I woke up and couldn’t stop thinking about him. Legit all day. I went from never texting him to sending him a bunch of random shit throughout the day. Like oh one of my favorite You Tube clips, heres a pic of my kid, here is a quote… (click on the video it’s hilarious πŸ˜‚)… I’ll wait.

Then as if the 5 unreturned text messages weren’t enough I called him. Yes I called him… He put it to voicemail. 

In a panic this was my message:

Hey Jack! It’s Jill. Good job on not picking up. I mean…umm…. That’s stupid right? Yeah I didn’t really have anything to say so  yeah umm take care. Bye!

Wow so yeah that must have been karma from me laughing so hard at that guy “free styling” in the clip above. So what do I do to stop the crazy?!

Send a text explaining how I want to talk to him again and have him reply back. Yep ladies and gentlemen I think my next blog will be about how I’m dealing with being blocked by Jack. I’m thinking that 30 day challenge sounds pretty good right now…. 

So to all my readers.. How do you move on from someone that you really think you’re meant to be with? Especially since this is the first guy I’ve felt that way about. It’s a lot tougher than I thought it would be and I’m making mistakes all around and feeling crazy in the meantime.