Turning the Page…

So the last week has been a slow realization… Bear with me while I walk you though where I am at in my process.

So my last blog I mentioned the inspiring speaker that I had listened to the night before. It was Jon Gordon the author of The Energy Bus and a lot of other positive books.

It was a last minute gift from one of my dear friends. She had missed a connecting flight and here I was. Great seats and twitterapted for inspiration.

Jon told of great anecdotes, chill moments and ah ha pings. However the one thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was when he said (something like):

We spend a lot of time listening to what our mind is thinking. However, we should spend more time telling our mind what to think.

So it hit me hard. I hadn’t thought about what practical application I would be able up use such a mind F… But I knew it was big! At least my arm hairs told me it was.

Then that next day I wrote my blog. Let me tell you all now…I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!

I have several people I love… who don’t know eachother and they all agree on one thing… I need to move on and now. It was such a moment of reconsideration. So I realized… Ah ha I need to TELL my mind what to think. Practical application to an inspirational thought.

This may get a little hokey for some of you but I’ve always laid it on the line. (feel free to move down a paragraph or two).

I was thinking about Jack and how everytime I thought of him I’d get a little smile and a little sadness. I thought about him like a book. I had a whole story in there… A beginning, a middle, and an end. I could literally imagine the book of Jack in my hands. It lit up and I felt all the emotions I do when I think of him. Then I imagined I was closing the book. I legit saw lights of love and gratitude explode on the cover. Then I put it away on a shelf.

It was then that I realized I have other pain and “books” I needed to put away as well. I repeated the thought with other lessons in love.

I had done the thinking, learned the lessons and needed to move on. I was becoming comfortable in the stall of my love life.

Then over the last few days I had another ah ha moment. The remaining guys I have on my radar also don’t match what I need right now. I need to start over. Truly a clean slate.

I have always heard that in order to end a bad habit (focusing on guys that aren’t into me) I should focus on a new habit.

So I replaced the focu on what I DO want in a man. I had told you before that I was going to write 100 things I’m looking for in a future husband.

So here are the first couple of thoughts. These are not the most important ones just the first 5, there are 95 more where I can hit some one the other bigger and sillier ones. Also they are not all deal breakers… More like guidelines 😉

1. Must Love Dogs

I have three dogs. Yes three dogs. I spent a lot of time being worried about this and the idea of a being labeled a “crazy dog” lady or having too much baggage. However, I’ve grown to realize each dog comes with its own personality and place in my family.

2. Must Enjoy his Job

(or being doing something to change it)

I LOVE my job! I love the people I work with and the work I do. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I have chosen where I work. I would challenge most people that they also make that choice.

Enjoying what I do adds a level of fun (and of course sometimes stress) to my day. I want someone that makes some fun in their everyday as well.

3. Must Not be Easily Embarrassed

I try to make fun in almost everything I do. This includes sometimes dancing while I’m walking. Doing silly voices. Making a comment to make someone laugh.

My daughter today said, “Mom you always make at least one person laugh wherever you go.” This made me smile and proud. She’s not afraid of the awkward moment.

4. Must be Heading to Hell for their Sense of Humor

I’ll need a partner down there for coal shoveling and other tasks.

5. Must Understand My Anxiety

(or be open to learn)

When I ask for confirmation for the thirtieth time it is not because I didn’t hear you.

When I say I’m having a panic moment, just listen and take control if needed.

When I’ve thought about something all night and ask 100 questions… just explain what you were thinking honestly. Don’t panic, tell me I’m over thinking, or skirt your answer. I always prefer knowing what I’m working with so be honest.

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Looking in the Magic Mirror

So I was so excited and renewed coming back from Disney! My perspective was clear and I was enjoying the cloud nine feeling.

While I was driving the llllooooonnnngggg way home I got a text from Jack*. It was an unprompted picture of a jar of jalapeño stuffed olives. I was shocked. I took a few minutes and I replied back. Before I knew it, we were a couple of hours texting and then the full day. He was contributing just as much as I was. During this he asked me when my next improv show because he wanted to see me. That day of texting felt like no time had passed at all and it made the drive time fly by.

I went to sleep early that morning and woke up feeling completely energized. I wouldn’t let myself go to “What does this mean?” or think about us being back together. Although, I’ll be honest, inspite of my feeble attempts the thoughts did creep in. Then I would smile and continue to clean and do laundry. You could have filmed me with a few birds helping me with socks and you would’ve thought I was still at Disney.

It was a Disney high mixed with a Jack boost.

Jack texted me that morning “Nice driving” and then silence. Yes silence. At first I took it as “Oh he’s busy” and then after a few days with no replies I realized… It is over. That revisited connection was just a moment. Nothing more. I can’t continue to think about him and think about what if. Clearly he still thinks of me and wanted to revisit our connection. But it was a realization that’s all it will end up being…a memory.

So I moved on. More than I have before. That feeling is really nice but I’m not going to say I’m not a little disappointed. As I said before, it is tough to to truly think someone was “the one” and be wrong.

So I have started picking up my online dating game and trying to put more effort in it. So far, no dates. I don’t know why but online dating has felt different lately. No real connections, some funny banter, and then disinterest. From me or them. It is a weird feeling but I’m trying to figure it out.

A few nights ago I saw the “high school crush” guy . It was a good chat. I felt like a sophomore about to pass a football style note.

I had said before the feeling is one sided, but having a hot friend is never a bad thing. Plus I like talking to him. I feel inspired and think about things differently. I trust his opinion. It was a great night then at the end turned odd. Not by him but just odd because of some circumstances. I don’t go into it because it is awkward and will give things away.

I was driving home that night and had a moment that I’m sure many single women and men have had. For a brief moment I thought about giving up on dating. I had a very rare moment of self pity. I’m more of a boot straps kind of woman.

Of course this feeling wasn’t because of this guy. We don’t know eachother like that. It was just the needle on top of a mountain that tips it over. I cried for about 5 minutes. Gave myself some pity tears and why me thoughts. Then I walked in my door, turned up music and sang in the kitchen.

I woke up this morning with a renewed hope. I listened to a great speaker about vision and goals last night. I’m going to take some time to reflect on how to become the best version of me. It is always an ongoing process 💜