Last Chapter…

So I have been dreading writing this blog… which is funny because it is a long time in the making. As I told you in my last blog I got an I miss you text from Jack*.

Yes THE JACK, the one that I would have sworn I am going to wind up with at the end of this dating adventure. However, now I don’t think so.

Before I tell you why, can I just tell you how much I appreciate all of you?! No one brings out such 🔥fire 🔥 as Jack does from you… or frankly from me.

There are two very different replies I get when I talk or write about Jack…

I think we all know where my heart is at (the first, of course).

So when I wake up to several messages that end with Jack saying he misses me… my heart skips a beat. I don’t play it cool and instead go to a desperate “When do you want to hang out then?” type message. Yeah I’ve never been one that can play “Oh what do you miss about me?”. I wish I could, especially with him, but I wear my heart on my sleeve (and blog).

His reply?

….nothing….

So later that day we start texting about something else entirely. We continue to text for the rest of the night. I called him out on I miss you and he dodged topic. We write for the rest of the night about other things

Then silence… for the next THREE days.

At this point I’m no longer disappointed I’m confused. So I sent him a message inspired by Matthew Hussey meant when a person gives mixed messages. I knew about it because I had just chatted with one of friends about it for a guy for her. Now I needed it…no more mixed messages guys of the world! Golly geez.

This is what I sent…

He replied about being friendly and it was then I realized something huge. I no longer wanted to text Jack without a purpose. I was going to protect my heart on this. I am worth more than a texting buddy when someone is bored.

I told him what I wanted. It was for us to figure out what we were doing and be exclusive while figuring it out. I wasn’t going to be friends. I have done that before and it would be too hard to do it again.

His reply?

He made a joke about an intentionally funny part of my message. Then nothing. Nothing since then.

It has been two weeks.

I don’t know how I feel, because it changes daily, but I know what I need to do. I need to really move on.

I got teased a few weeks ago, “You could put Shemar Moore (one of my celebrity crushes) and Jack in front of Jill and she would pick Jack everytime. No questions.”

I agreed and we all laughed… because it was completely true.

I have thought about that a lot. What was so special about Jack? Not to keep focusing on him but so I can recognize it and move on. Of course he is very attractive but a lot of guys are. He is funny. I laugh a lot in my life without him here. He is very smart. Again not a trait that he alone has.

When I think about it, it comes to our journey.

It was instant chemistry at the beginning. The very first message I was hooked. I can look at pictures during that time and know where my relationship was with Jack. He made me laugh a lot in text and we were always back and forth. Our first phone conversation was even better and more laughing.

Then our friendship period was so full of mixed emotions. It was a constant time of patience and pure faith. I knew we would end up dating. I just didn’t know when.

Then came our relationship. It wasn’t perfect and to be honest the beginning was rocky. I really struggled with our history and my insecurities. But the final couple of months is the feeling that I had hoped for. I met his kids and he met my family. My insecurities were dying down and I began to feel like I could really count on him. I knew he would be there for me and I wanted him there.

We had moments where we worked well together (moving 5 tons of rock) and he asked me my opinion about things in his life. I felt I was in a real relationship and one I couldn’t wait to see where it went. We were going to be a power couple.

He was my true best friend I wanted to sleep with all the time and many many times. Oww oww! I thought he felt the same.

That feeling is what I’d choose over Ryan Gosling any day.

It has been almost a year since the break up. I realize I could spend another year waiting on Jack to suddenly get that he is the one meant for me. The Pam to my Jim. However, the likelihood of this happening without going through the getting to know you again friend phase again is very very low. I’ve put everything I can on the table. I am out of ideas.

So I realize as hard as it is and as much as I don’t want to. I need to fully move on. Stop comparing the excitement and comfort I felt in the last few months of our relationship to a new relationship. Stop worrying about how he is doing and who he is dating.

It will be tough but I’ll really try this time. I’ll continue to pray for him and his kids and want the best. I just can no longer look at his social media to see if it coming true. I’ll continue to love him but will reaffirm my “Jill you can love someone you are not with”.

Ugh, this is going to be tough wish me luck!

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You Spin My Head Right Round…

There are three things in my life that tell me I’m not in the right “head space”. My weight, my finances, and my sleep. I don’t know why my head shows itself there but it does and in a big way. (No pun intended… but still funny)

A couple weeks ago I’m laying in my bed, not wanting to move, checking my bank account and realize DAMN I am in trouble:

  • $3.00 in my bank
  • $18.36 available balance on my main credit card (I have another emergency one I don’t touch)
  • 208 on the scale
  • 13 hours sleeping that night… Still in bed

Yep,again I’m in trouble.

My anxiety levels were running high for several weeks and I couldn’t shake it. I was beyond irritated with everything and my normal chipper self was nowhere to be seen. I got asked if I was sick multiple times and one person even joked (after I mentioned my poor attitude) “You are a 6 on the B scale.”

That were joking… I laughed… because it was true.

Even when Easton* would visit or during our talks I would say “Sorry it is just my anxiety levels are through the roof.” He was always gentle and understanding. I really appreciate that about him and also made me feel worse. He was so nice and I was soo… not.

Then on weekends after the highs and lows of the week I would crash so hard. I fell asleep early and slept in late. Most of my free time (between naps) would be spent on Netflix. I found at least one thing each day that would get me out of the house. Some of those things would be my dates with Easton.

I didn’t have the energy… Not to clean… Not to go on a walk or hike… Certainly not to continually improve myself.

So here I was, laying down, realizing I’m not in a good place and having hardly any energy to do anything about it. I laid in bed for a while, got up to do a few chores, visited family and planned what I needed to do.

I knew I wasn’t in a good place and I knew to start I needed help.

So that next day (Monday), I had a follow up appointment with my doctor. The appointment was about the low dose of anxiety medicine I was taking and checking in. Oddly enough and ironic right?! Seriously I really think life has the best timing.

I told my doctor how I was feeling. I even started tearing up. I always end up crying in the doctors office. Is it just me?!

She asked about my exercise (since I had gained weight) and I told her about how I love yoga but it is hard to go. She told me something that really hit home

“Jill, you just need to go. You won’t want to. You will hate going out the door. But do it. It will get easier.”

It was with that (and my finances) where I realized I NEEDED to get back to ME. The person I was for a long time and the person that was inspired to do better.

So I walked out of the office feeling tired but also inspired. I made a few changes right away.

1. I prepped lunches for work that night. I could save on money and the fast food. The biggest win about packing a lunch is it gives me the ability to walk for 30 minutes after eating. I have a great walking partner so it is always fun.

2. I joined a small biggest loser group at work. It is just the three of us but we all encourage each other. Although our encouragement is something like

“Are you seriously getting another cupcake? We all need to be able to get on an elevator and not have to do math for the max capacity. Dude put it down.”

I wouldn’t say our group is for everyone.

3. I told Easton I needed time. This one was a bummer. I really enjoyed spending time with him, everyone agreed he’s amazing. I just wasn’t sure I was feeling it in a romantic way. I still am not sure if it was because of my head space or because he would just make a really good friend. He didn’t seem too sad about it and once again understood.

4. I stopped spending recklessly. No shopping online for the sake of shopping, ordering food delivery on a whim or buying new versions of things I didn’t need.

My income did not match a $3 bank account by any means. It was just poor decisions upon poor decisions. This of course didn’t happen in a few weeks but it was something I needed to change and quickly. There was ZERO excuse for it.

I needed to invest in my house, my family and my health.

5. I deleted all my dating apps. Dating apps can take up a lot of time. A lot of time that I could be doing something else. It is not that I’m anti dating now. Just that it would have to be with a guy that I meet in real life. Since my divorce that has happened 0 times. So I’m not sure it is the most effective dating strategy. I’ll be back on when I’m ready for sure.

6. I deleted social media apps for a bit. It didn’t mean I didn’t view them. I visited the sites once a day for a quick highlight reel. I’ve heard it said on social you compare the worst parts of you against the best moments of everyone else. I love the people I follow and I’m genuinely happy for them. It just can be tough when I’m not on the right place.

Plus I can spend a lot of time on social media. Again time I should devote elsewhere.

7. I made myself go to yoga. A Saturday morning class none the less. My sister told me to sign up for the class and then waited until I did. I loved getting back. Although I had to force myself to get up to go.

So today, several weeks later, I am slowly getting my mojo back. I cannot exercise as much as I would love to (I tore my calf muscle chasing my nieces).

But my head space by the numbers:

  • Alot more in my bank (enough for an emergency as needed)
  • Enough available on my credit card to use THAT credit card in an emergency
  • 203 on the scale
  • 10 hours sleeping last night
  • 1 new development in my dating life

Yep folks that was from Jack*, THE JACK after a few days of texting. I think we all know how I felt reading that.

The question is what did he mean?!

The story continues 😉

I’m writing outside! That’s a big win ❤️