It’s literally been so long since my last blog, I imagine that each of you thought I rode out into the sunset with some charming cowboy on a Budweiser Clydesdale…. or at least a really large pony. I REALLY wish that was the truth. It would be a lot easier than what actually has happened…. an awakening.

Dating post-Trump second era is not something for the weak. When you have half a nation turn their vote toward a man who has openly sexually assaulted women, been included in numerous accusations of being predatory on children (Epstein), and has openly said so many things degrading women that it’s now no longer shocking and is considered “locker room talk” …. am I really surprised that the average man doesn’t understand the appropriate line? In a world where men with violent language and actions towards women are celebrated, worshiped, and put in charge of our nation… what is the actual line that they should understand? Is there an actual line?

The last date I went on was Tom* from Facebook dating. I am putting Tom with an asterisk because honestly I don’t even remember his actual name. I normally include a pseudonym that includes the first letter of the man’s actual name but my mind has literally blocked it out. His face though… I will remember for a long time.

Tom was a match on Facebook dating. For a long time I praised the premise of this specific dating app. It is the dating app where you don’t get serial online daters, but instead get men who have something fed to them on an app they already use and think “Let me give this a try!”

Tom was an attractive, vocally Liberal, poorly tattooed man whose smile and beard won me over. Our first date was to a coffee shop where we talked until long after close and for an hour in the parking lot afterwards. He had made me laugh with stories about his life and loudly chuckled when I made a joke about his Mom’s passing. What can I say? My sense of humor is very dark….

The date went so well, in fact, I took a picture of the two of us before we parted ways… just in case this is my last first date.

Actual picture from that night….don’t mind my red face… it was boiling hot outside!

Tom was very complimentary and to be honest I was very taken back with how strong he was coming off. I kept debating in my mind… Am I uncomfortable because he’s being too much? Or is it because my default was accepting too little? I couldn’t tell and didn’t know how much of my past and my view of self was involved in my level of “uhhhh…. this feels like a lot”. In my quest for answers, I Google searched the hell out of his name, looked at County records (clean) and even reached out to his ex wife (who happens to be a friend of mine on Facebook from karaoke). All signs pointed to he’s a unremarkable guy who has no record and his ex said they ended amicably.

The second date was a lot more low-key… as opposed to the “very fancy…?” coffee shop date we had been on before. He told me he was unemployed because federal funding for the non-profit he worked at had been discontinued so he was laid off. Since I had done my due diligence I believed him. So I decided to have him over to my house for our second date. We were going to watch Netflix and eat pizza, my treat.

The second date went fine. If I’m being honest, I was so nervous I took an edible before our date. It wasn’t the best move but I had fun. As can be expected from dates from home, we did end up sleeping together. I could blame it on the edible as I was very high, but it happened and I was fine.

The third date was going to be a plan to go to his house for dinner and to hang out. There was definitely an expectation that we would sleep together and we discussed this… as the date loomed closer my anxiety started to build.

On the drive over to his place my heart was beating VERY loudly in my chest. It felt as if an elephant was on my chest and my body was going to jump out of my skin. I pulled into his apartment building, knocked on the door and then we drove to get food together. I told him, “My anxiety is really high. Can we please just sit here for a minute before we go to your place? I really need a minute to breathe.” Then proceeded to try to catch and regulate my breathing.

After a few, we left for his place. His place was a small apartment with limited seating and filled with his favorite things. When I walked in a kayak was propped up on his couch cushions taking a majority of the seating. It was then my insides started to scream a bit… I knew he had no intention of us being out in this room. The only room besides his small kitchen and bedroom.

I asked him to move the kayak and told him I wanted to watch a movie. It was still daylight and I had changed my mind outcome of our hanging out. I wish I would have left….

After endless scrolling through multiple apps we decided we would watch the 1995 Robin Williams classic “Jumanji”. I couldn’t remember having ever watched it but knew the basic premise. I was hoping a movie from our childhoods would spark conversation, childhood stories, and honestly break the expectation that he had going into this date.

We sat on his couch half a foot away from each other, kayak on the floor, and the movie began.

The rest of the date will be told in the key events of the movie, with actual dialogue of what I remember at each event…

The main characters from the olden times begin to play the game… the ground shakes and BATS fly out of the fireplace… Tom scoots closer putting his arm around me and goes in for a kiss.

Me: Tom, my anxiety is so high right now…can we wait until the next commercial break?

Tom: Of course!

Tom stops trying to kiss me but doesn’t scoot back over. The movie continues and then comes the commercial break….

Tom without us even being able to tell what the company the commercial is about, goes in for a hard kiss. I give him a quick kiss…

Tom sensing my hesitation: Come on Jill! Don’t you want to make out?

Me: My anxiety is really high. Can we stop? I think I need some time.

Tom: I totally understand! Don’t worry about it.. we have until 7pm. (the time I told him I would have to leave)

His comment about the time throws me off but I breathe a sense of relief. I now have time to practice my anxiety toolkit. I try the box breathing technique as the movie continues.

4 seconds in through the nose…

4 seconds hold…

4 seconds out through the mouth…

4 seconds hold.

The new characters have now taken over playing the board… Tom and I are a sitting directly next to each other. His arm is still around me.

Tom: Oh great Jill. Now I have high anxiety… Thanks for that.

Me: I’m sorry… (I say through my 4 second breathe out)

I feel very guilty. I hate when my mood impacts others and my anxiety is out of control.

Then come the mosquitoes…. Tom once again comes in for a kiss and this time his hands are wandering towards the bottom of my shirt trying to lift it up. I push his hands away but he doesn’t stop…

Me: Tom, can we please just take it slow? I cannot get my mind right and I don’t want to do this now.

Tom: Of course Jill. I would never pressure you to do something you don’t want to do. Let’s just cuddle.

We then cuddle (my mind and body are now screaming but I’m frozen). He is now slowly moving his hands and I’m trying to hold my shirt down tight. There are no words spoken but we are definitely in a battle…

The next commercial break. Tom once again leans over and kisses me hard, trying to push me down with his body weight and his hands are on my thigh.

Me: Tom stop! You keep saying that you’ll stop but your hands and your mouth keep doing otherwise.

Tom: Jill, I’m sorry. Sometimes I just get so excited it’s hard for me to stop. You know how attractive I find you. I promise we won’t do anything you don’t want to do.

Tom looks dead in my eyes as he says this…

We start watching the movie. I have stopped my play by play commentary with jokes about the animals. Any mental space I had was gone and I’m hyper aware of every movement he makes.

We watch a few more animal attacks while the battle of hands ongoing and my breathing practice continues. I then stand up…

Tom: Jill, are you okay?

Me: I just don’t feel good. I don’t want to have sex and it feels like you aren’t listening to me. My anxiety is way to high and I want to leave.

Tom: Okay okay… (he pauses and looks me in the eyes again) So what I hear from you is that even though we have slept together before and talked about sleeping together tonight you no longer want to. Do I have that right?

Me: YES! Tom! Yes! That’s exactly what it is… I don’t know why I just don’t want to right now.

I am instantly relieved as I feel like he has finally heard me. I can physically feel my guard letting down…. I was tired of it being up for so long.

Tom: Okay Jill, I would never want to do anything you don’t want to do.

I breathe a sigh of relief. He finally understood. We then talked standing up for a moment.

Then he goes in for another kiss…. this time is harder and his hands are lot more aggressively touching me. My body is literally frozen and my soul is tired.

I finally say “Fine let’s just sleep together”

Then without hesitation from him we do.

I say what I need to say to get it done…maybe 4 minutes.

He’s done

I am staring out the window as he tries to cuddle. The window is blurry as my eyes are watering and my body feels like it’s on fire as he tries to touch my arm.

Tom: are you okay? Do you want to cuddle?

Me: yeah I’m fine. I don’t want to cuddle. Can we just watch the end of Jumanji now?

We finish the movie and I drive home.

I call a girlfriend on the drive because I can and cannot feel my body at the same time. I tell her a play by play of the date trying to make sense of everything and my feelings. I feel nothing and everything.

A couple days later I ended it with Tom. He proceeded to send me many many text messages that definitely came from someone mentally unwell. He talked about self harm attacks, money problems and other topics to try to make me engage and feel sorry for him. It was shocking and sad at the same time. To help me forget him, I deleted all of our messages, blocked him from any methods of contact, and even went and blocked the ex-wife who gave me the green light. It has worked so well I legitimately cannot remember his name…but his face is what I want to forget.

To be honest, I haven’t been interested in dating since that night. I would love to say it was just that one moment, but it was a pattern of men in a short amount of time who didn’t respect me and my body. FROM a guy who grabbed the inner part of my upper thigh 10 minutes into a date (I yelled at him, gave $20 to the waitress for my drink and left) TO a man who grabbed my ass TWICE at a hangout event in front of several friends (he left before I confronted him so I sent him a very poignant message).

I hate the fact that I didn’t leave my “date”with Tom. That I didn’t just get up and didn’t just punch him squarely in the nose when he kept trying to kiss me. I hate that I played hands war with him on my body. I hate that I was not strong enough to just leave or smart enough to accept the signs of trouble I saw. I hate that I questioned the one thing I have always believed in, my gut, and instead froze and then gave in.

I have never trusted another man, the law, or a nation to look out for me as a woman… so hate that for that moment I didn’t trust the one thing that has always looked out for me… myself.