Are You Ready for a Party?

So in my great masterpiece, The Business of Dating Requires What?, I talk about my choice in birth control. Specifically about the insertion of an IUD in what I like to call my “business”.

To keep with this theme I will tell you a little bit about another insertion… but this time in my “party”.

First I must tell you about my eating habits. I think they are a great precursor to my initial concern.

I LOVE spicy foods! Like love them!

I had an ulcer during the time of the Jack* break up (over a year ago).

So before I left the doctor’s office then, I asked him about spicy foods. The doctor said they were fine and ended with “I mean I wouldn’t use Tabasco sauce or anything?!”

I laughed …Tabasco sauce is my ketchup equivalent. Not even hitting on my spicy radar. I knew then my ghost pepper salsa was out for a while. I limited it for a short time, took my meds, and had no further problems… until a few weeks ago.

I’m staring in the toilet into a white bowl with bright red water. I (being a woman with the pseudo ability to have children) thought it was my bi-monthly visitor. I’m sure that’s what everyone would think. I can name all the nicknames if anyone is confused (Aunt Flo, Shark Week… etc)

However after a few strategic wipes I realized that was not the case.

Looking back I should have been a little more disturbed by the murder scene. However, it wasn’t until the sequel a few days later, that I thought this should be something to get checked out. I figured that my Carolina Reaper jerky the night before had done some damage.

That afternoon (on my 36th Birthday) I called my doctor about my bloody situation. I was hoping for a doctor visit, but as I feared, was told to make a trip to the ER. I looked at my calendar and determined that night would be the best timing.

Side note: Isn’t funny that as an adult I book my health around my calendar. Not the other way around. I need to work on that.

My teenage daughter and I stop for a quick birthday meal of Mc Donald’s happy meals and head over to the local ER.

The ER was an absolute mad house. So many people and so many interesting stories being told loudly on speakerphone conversations. I was really glad that I had taken a shower and put on a comfy hoodie. I knew we were going to be there a while and wanted to be comfy for the entertainment of people’s lives.

After an hour or so they brought us in the room. The first test they had to run was a digital exam. Now I know what you’re thinking…

“Digital? Like computers Jill?”

I wish.

Digital like fingers…So with my daughter in the room they decide to manually check me for hemorrhoids and blood.

Doctor to my daughter: “Do you want to step out of the room?”

Her: “Nah, I’ll just hold my mom’s hand and play on my phone.”

Me: “You better not put any Snapchat filters down there.”

Her laughing: “Mom, seriously?!”

Doctor inserts two fingers into the door of the party.

I shift uncomfortably.

Me with a wink to her: “Don’t worry, this isn’t the first thing that has been in there this week.”

Her laughing hard now: “Mmmoooommmm!”

Doctor also laughing at the absurdity : “You ladies are a spicy pair huh?!”

The doctor didn’t find anything with her fingers. Luckily I cleaned really well in preparation. So she ran bloodwork and eventually ran me through a cat scan. That came back clean (like her fingers) so the next course of action was a Colonoscopy. Not what I wanted to hear.

I made the appointment as soon as I could which was a couple of days for my initial consultation. The doctor who seen me in his office went over my family history. My grandfather had cancer in that area and my issue warranted the colonoscopy. The appointment was about a week later.

Now the idea of a colonoscopy was really scary to me.

1. I hate being put under for anything. When I was 19 I broke my nose and during my surgery had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. I remember waking up panicking with an intense headache and feeling like 100 degrees. I have only been put under once since then. So not enough for me to feel comfortable.

2. I didn’t know who I’d bring to come with me. They said I couldn’t drive and couldn’t call an Uber. My sister recently had a baby so I didn’t want to add anything to her plate.

3. I was afraid of what the results may be. My mind went to a really bad place and I was thinking about what kind of fighter I’d have to become. What would happen if I lost that fight? Maybe this was why I wasn’t with anyone? I had to fight for myself first.

4. The most practical… The camera with a long pole… my party… not a combo I want to have happen. Enough said.

So needless to say my anxiety was high. I eventually just went ahead and asked my sister. She so lovingly got her girls cared for and was going to bring her newest baby. A welcome anxiety calmer. 😍

Now to anyone that hasn’t been through a colonoscopy before here are the stages:

THE PREPARATION

This by far is the worst part. Each doctor has their own method for preparing the party for the grand entrance of the camera. Here was my doctor’s:

The Day Before

No food. Liquid diet only. I prepared chicken bone broth from the store with garlic, jalapeΓ±o, and onion the night before. I bought Sprite, water, and various drinks.

I had to work in another building about an hour and half away from my house that day. I carpooled to avoid having to drive. By mid day I felt just “not right” and really tired. I got through my meetings giving my best but it wasn’t all that good. By the drive home I was really grateful I didn’t have to drive… and that we stopped for a pickle juice slushee.

Later that Night

When I got home I took a quick shower. I had heard of the effects of the next stage and wanted to be as clean as possible.

In the shower I even had a thought “Should I shave back there to get ready for my close up?”

I ultimately ran out of time so decided against it. If there was any judgment in my choice I didn’t hear it. The pictures I received didn’t show that angle… thank goodness.

I got out and prepared my drink. It is a prescription called “Suprep Bowl Prep Kit.” I think it is trying to appeal to a male demographic to remind them of the Super Bowl.

I had to mix the prescription drink with a clear liquid, I chose water. As a woman that can take a shot with ease, drinking this 16 oz drink was painful. It tastes like the worse medicine you can imagine. I shot gunned it and resisted the urge to bring it back up.

Afterward, I then had an hour to drink 32oz of any other liquid. They say you can take an hour, however, I used the first 16oz as a chaser. I drank it fast and in the back of my throat. I then plowed through the next 16oz I didn’t want to wait.

Within minutes I felt the desired outcome. My stomach started cramping and as a high school friend put on Facebook it was a few hours of a “thousand waterfalls.” It started out as productive and cleaning out my party of any leftovers.

Eventually though it was just water. So much I swear it had to be coming out of any hole available. This repeated itself multiple times over the hour, it went out like it came in… fast.

I had prepared for this part which made it easier. I had flushable wet wipes, charged phone and fresh toilet paper. While it wasn’t fun by any means it wasn’t horrible. Even with all the cleaning options I was sore after that round.

I only drank the bare essentials that night in fear of another exodus.

The Next Morning

I woke up bright and early to start Round 2. Yes as if that area wasn’t clean enough I had to do the whole thing over again. This time though the mental game of the taste of the drink got to me. I dreaded each drink and tortured myself with sips and holding back the vomit reflex. Eventually I got the drink down and the 32oz of water.

I was so tired that I laid down afterward. I figured I hadn’t drank much the night before so it wouldn’t be as bad.

Not a good idea…

I woke up 30 minutes later to a wet surrounding. It was clearly a party noise maker gone wrong. Not my finest moment. But hilarious now.

I jolted out of the bed and finished up the cleaning from the night before. As I expected it wasn’t nearly as long but was just as intense.

I wasn’t able to eat or drink after that so I cleaned my bed and slept until it was about time to leave. I took a shower (again didn’t shave it was beyond sore at that point) and drove with my sister to the appointment.

THE PROCEDURE

When I got to the doctor’s office there were many people in there waiting. We were all clearly in there for the same reason. Wednesday was Colonoscopy day. There was some small talk and eventually the women in there assured me the procedure wasn’t going to be bad at all.

When I got back to the room I put on two hospital robes (one in the front and one in the back), got an IV and waited… and waited… for a while. I used my breathing techniques from yoga, prayed, and thought of the reasons why I was grateful for that moment. It definitely helped calm my nerves.

The nurse came back to get me and I kid you not said…

“Are you ready for the party?”

I laughed and told her about my idea for this blog. She took note of the website and we were laughing about it. This was the last thing I remember talking about before the procedure.

I woke up a short time later. I was a little groggy but really really gassy!

The doctor had pumped up my body with air to view everything. That air like in a balloon needed to escape. So I had full permission to not be a lady and let them rip. It was glorious and medically directed.

We stopped on the way home for a cheeseburger and I relaxed the rest of the night watching Netflix. There was no pain or discomfort. I was tired from my body going through so much but was physically fine.

THE RESULTS

NO CANCER first and foremost!

MY CONCLUSION

I know that getting a colonoscopy is scary. But the idea of getting one was worse than actually going through it. If you have issues, are at the age to get it checked, or have been told you need one GET IT DONE! It was not so bad and completely worth easing my worry πŸ§‘πŸ’©πŸ§‘

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The Scientific Conclusion

So as it turns out my hypothesis was…

INCONCLUSIVE

For those that missed my previous article (it is okay it happens πŸ˜‰) here was my hypothesis…

I will find a relationship with a younger man that will last longer than a few months and may be longer.

My relationship with Andrew* has come to an end, before a few months. I can’t say definitively the hypothesis has failed though because my next relationship could be with another baby cub. I have found age matters less than I thought.

Since my run in with Jack*, I have had many examples with guys where have had to hold firm on what I think is acceptable. This is something that I have struggled with before. This has come with more confidence and clarity on what I want. I am also more comfortable in wanting a relationship instead of needing one.

This past relationship with Andrew* was another example. Unfortunately we disagreed on friendship guidelines with the opposite sex.

Tip: This is a conversation that’s a good one to have when you are starting to date someone. It is a very gray topic and typically brings up feelings from past relationships.

I know the conversation with Andrew* took me back to a relationship that I had outgrew.

We both have very strong opinions about what was acceptable and it was clear we weren’t going to come to a compromise. So he ended the relationship and I agreed. We have messaged since then and all positive things.

You all know I’m grateful for my adventures…

In other fun news, High School crush guy (HSCG) is back! Yep and now gone again. I got a hug and a small chat when I saw him. Now before anyone gets all judgey, I call him HSCG because I have an aww he’s hot crush! So Judgey Judy, think about how hot you feel when you see David Beckham in an underwear ad? You have just about the same chance of dating Mr. Beckham as I do HSCG.

So calm down on the “Oh my goodness you enjoyed looking at another man and giving him a hug when dating someone?”

I shot my shot a long time ago and I was told no very nicely. So now I can just enjoy the view and the convos. I’m comfortable in my intentions while in a relationship.

So I’m not sure what I’m going to do next when it comes to dating. I am probably going to just let things lay for a while. I have a lot going on personally. This list includes a medical situation where I need a very non-fun test next week.

Don’t worry though if you loved my other medical experience article, about my IUD, then you’ll love the next one I’m writing afterward…

Blinded me with Science…

So I was on a date with a guy named Andrew* yesterday and he said “My dating you is an experiment. I want to see about dating an older woman.”

I laughed and said “Oh I’m an experiment then?” He laughed and clarified.

So per his comment I’m going to take this relationship through a proven method… the scientific method.

Looking for official SM use Google… not a blog.

ASK A QUESTION

Can I find love with a guy almost 10 years younger than me?

DO BACKGROUND RESEARCH

The Facts

  • Andrew and I met in a karaoke bar… yes a bar. Not online, dating site or right swipe. This was the first guy post divorce I met this way… that has asked me out in real life. His table of friends were right next to my table of friends. I heard him mention “Bodak Yellow” one of my favorite karaoke songs and I said something. That resulted in a hug, picture together and a lot of talking.
  • He actively pursued me that night… normally cougars do the hunting πŸ˜‚
  • He’s almost 10 years younger than me. The youngest man I have been interested in dating. He’s a baby cub. Rawr!

CONSTRUCT A HYPOTHESIS

I will find a relationship with a younger man that will last longer than a few months and may be longer.

TEST YOUR HYPOTHESIS BY DOING AN EXPERIMENT

Dating Experiment

  • We had our first date the very next day after our meeting! He messaged me that night to make sure I got home and we planned the date then. I was very nervous if you can’t tell from my Facebook live video…
  • He showed up and looked just like I had remembered! His laugh and kind view of life made me realize that beer goggles had done me right the night before.
  • We have known each other for 12 days and have had several dates. The last one was coffee and antique shopping in his hometown. At times, he held my hand while we walked and snuck in kisses. Other dates were a homemade dinner and night in at my house and open mic comedy night with my friends. So much fun!

Communication Experiment

  • Andrew texts me throughout the day everyday.
  • We talk on the phone almost everyday
  • We plan dates a while in advance or a last minute get together
  • He remembers things about my day and is genuinely interested when I talk. Consequently I have learned I need to learn to listen better.

Commitment Experiment

  • Andrew has had the same good job for 8 years
  • He owns his own home
  • Keeps in touch with his family and I even heard him tell his dad about me… what what!
  • My dogs like him a lot… almost better than me. Dogs can sense a kind heart.
  • We are now exclusive! Yep, 12 days in and I’m signing up to be exclusive. No pressure just not looking right now. It is nice!
  • A few weeks ago (before Andrew), I was talking with a new guy from Bumble. He was attractive and the conversation was consistent over several days, thoughtful and friendly. He was promising but not fully on the radar. After a few days he sent me an unremarkable question and before my lunch break, I answered but got no reply.
  • Later that night I messaged him. He said:
  • Sorry I thought I replied back but kind of glad I didn’t. I went on a first date and she seems promising. I’m going to give this a chance before messaging more women.

  • My mind was blown and I was inspired. He had the courage to give time to just one woman, after one date. That’s the man I wanted in my life. Then a few days later I meet Andrew.
  • ANALYZE YOUR DATA AND DRAW A CONCLUSION

  • So not ready to make a conclusion… just yet! I’m thoroughly enjoying getting to know him and seeing where this will go. I think it is an interesting experiment both of us are trying for the first time…. we will see how this turns out! Don’t worry I’ll let you guys know the Scientific Conclusion 😘
  • Checking that List Twice…

    So I haven’t had any dates since my date with Aaron*. To be honest though, my regular life has been fairly active so I haven’t missed it.

    I have a quote in my room that is my focus for the month of August….

    This happened to be perfect for this month. My tribe has needed lots of love and I have been grateful for the focus to be there and not dating. It has been perfect timing for this mantra!

    Plus, I am finding myself fall back into bad habits. Chasing after a guy. Again a super nice guy, really good looking, beyond smart and in this case very direct man.

    But a man that doesn’t follow the most important rule…

    the rule for a foundation of all other rules…

    should have been RULE #1…

    #17. Must want to date me / then eventually marry me

    Truly just a minor detail in the grand scheme of things but seems like a pretty important quality for a future husband to have. πŸ˜‰

    I have a history of finding a guy that I’m interested in and then chasing and hoping. I know it sounds desperate and maybe it is. I just don’t play the dating game very well. I don’t play hard to get, I’m impatient, and I go after what I want. In life and in dating. It isn’t an issue with guys that want to date me. It’s just exciting when the feeling of attraction is mutual. When a guy isn’t interested and I am (which is rare) it can definitely be annoying and not attractive to that guy. The exact opposite desired effect…ugh.

    So back to building my list… that is something I’m good at…

    Do we Start with Matching BFF Bracelets?

    #18. Be a Best Friend

    Now I know what my avid readers will say “Craig and you were not best friends?!”

    My reply to that “Well he was best friends with my ex… give me this stretch it’s a good lesson!”

    I would love to put why having a friendship within my future relationship will be important but I found a Facebook post that said very close to what I would have wrote, here it is…

    An Officer and a Gentleman

    #19. Tells Good Stories

    Now this guideline in correlation with this blog may seem questionable. However, I loved hearing this guy’s police stories in the conversations before our date. Let’s call this time “Before Rigamortis Storytelling Time” (BRST).

    On a more lively note (get it?), life has some highs and some lows. Most days though are a combination of either or just the middles. If a guy can find the fun moments in an otherwise “boring” day then we can do the same in our life together.

    Where do you See Yourself in 9 Months?

    #20. Wants a Family

    Next month is my 36th birthday. To be honest I always thought I would have another baby. My life goal was many babies.

    I had a second pregnancy when my kid was about 5. This pregnancy ended early in a molar pregnancy. It was a long road agreeing to get pregnant and I knew in my gut this was going to be the only attempt during our marriage. I felt like a failure.

    The months afterward were isolating and filled with online group chats with other grieving mamas. They were also filled with weekly blood work and 18 month waiting period for getting pregnant. I knew my time would be longer… if at all.

    No one I knew at the time had been through this loss. Because of this, very loving and well intentioned people said things that were hurtful and further isolating.

    “How far along were you? (10 weeks) Oh whew lucky for you it wasn’t too long!”

    “Oh yeah, I had a friend that had a miscarriage she had a baby right away! You have hope.”

    “So was it a baby or not? I mean it’s not like an actual baby. That helps right?”

    This is something that I learned is not uncommon.

    My hope was gone…

    So when I fully accepted that the divorce was happening (about 5 minutes before the dissolution) I had a glimmer of hope for a baby and the future family I would have. I was 32. Now I am facing my 36th birthday… 4 years away from my 40th.

    I have researched and found the reoccurrence of molar pregnancies increases after a mama hits 35 and if she has a history of one. Both scary statistics. Plus other chances of birth issues increase with age. Also, both of my pregnancies had BRUTAL morning sickness. ER visits and a night in the hospital for dehydration.

    So to be honest I’m not sure if my future will include another baby or not. I’ve stopped focusing on the how I will have a family, instead just focused on the word family. I want a man that wants a family no matter what that looks like. I know we will figure that out together.

    Right now though I have a beautiful family of a happy Mama, smart daughter and 3 crazy dogs! This present family means the world to me!

    Making a List…

    No new dates yet but I am talking to a few guys. Plus I’m not giving up on Aaron* just yet! We had an unexpected encounter after our first date. I ran into him at a bar and in good intentions I paraded him around to all my improv friends.I kept saying “Look how hot he is!”

    He was really easy going, funny, and played along. He even introduced himself as “Aaron” yes his fake name from the blog… of course I laughed. Also it was a huge plus that he read my blog! Seriously thoughtful!

    The truth is the more I know about him the more I’ll give it a moment to pan out. I lead with the looks but I’m finding out that is just the icing.

    I realized I owe some more of the traits I’m looking for in a guy! It has been a while and I’ve gotten a lot of feedback about these so far.

    Again, I always make the disclaimer this is not an absolute list or a Must Have but just a fun guide. If someone hits the biggies and the chemistry is right… I’m in.

    To make it interesting I’m going to use some of my previous blogs as inspiration:

    How the Hell Did I Get Here?

    11. Be a Good Friend

    There are a hundred things that I could say I appreciate about my first husband (only husband to be clear I just hope for another someday). We were married for almost 12 years and that was an active choice. But one of the things I admire most about him is his ability to keep friends. He has a lot of friends and showed me the old cliche to have a good friend you need to be a good friend. He always put in effort and took time to help when needed. He went out of his way countless times to help.

    When a man can keep friends it shows that he understands longstanding effort. Plus when you have good friends you will never have to move by yourself.

    Ever Wonder What A Mushroom From Mario Sounds Like?

    Okay the obvious one from this one is…

    12. Has a Good Voice

    This is definitely a plus. It doesn’t have to be anything special just not really high. However, something I liked about Josh* was..

    13. Likes to Go to Zoos / Museums

    Josh would talk about how he really enjoyed going to family places. I sometimes get more excited than any children I am with when I travel to these. I ask to go the zoo or museums for my Mothers Day or Birthday! I love getting to pick the places we hit up first and sharing learning moments with my family!

    When I was in third grade my dad gave me a camera for our zoo field trip. I remember walking to school that morning in my multi colored windbreaker and my fanny pack. My fanny pack was filled with money I couldn’t lose and my special camera. I pretty much skipped that morning and my fanny pack hit against my belt! It was going to be a good day!

    I was so proud to give my dad back his camera and wait for the pictures to develop. This was long before 24 hour turn around.

    My dad got so mad when we got them back. The pictures were full of rhino butts (my fave animal at the time) and a boy I had a crush on. It was an entire waste of film.

    The below picture is one I took on Friday, much better than the rhino butts. πŸ˜‚

    So Where Exactly Are We Going?

    14. Loves to Sing

    This of course was the blog I could have gotten murdered…but just a reminder I didn’t. I’m still here!

    On one of my first phone conversations with Dave* we played a Name that Tune Disney version. Again, I’m not looking for a man that loves Disney. But that night we had a great time!

    I would love to have a car singing duet or even better a karaoke partner! We don’t need to be able to sing some Whitney song but a person that will just have fun while carrying a tune would be amazing. Who knows Ice Ice Baby?!

    Maybe as a bonus someone that also doesn’t lead me down a darkened road to my death could be number 15? Yep that’s 15!

    15. Doesn’t Make Me Fear For My Life

    I’m Sorry… What? Part 1

    16. Is Thoughtful in What He Writes

    The first few messages can really make or break a conversation or a future of conversations. A message where a man can ask a decent question, make me laugh, or reply to my message with a thoughtful answer and follow up question is perfect. I feel that sometimes basic communication is rare in online dating.

    I don’t want or need a summary of every point of my profile. I actually find long paragraphs to be intimidating. I must then write back on every point. I end up putting the answer off until I “have time”. I then apologize for being so delayed in my reply.

    I should know something about who a guy is and/or what he’s looking for within a few messages. Something worth keeping the conversation going. If I don’t then maybe I need to keep searching.

    Off to a Great Start…

    This morning I woke up at 5 AM! Yes 5 AM! Instead of the usual wake up from a bad dream, thoughts of work, or other random dream about how I’ll save the world using just a boomerang … I woke up because I was excited! Yes, excited!

    I went on my first date back last night.

    Aaron* and I matched on Bumble. What I appreciated the most about him was that he asked me out on a date early on. He didn’t do the usual two weeks of texting and then asking out. Plus, I hadn’t put much in my Bumble profile so I knew that we were both going in blind. One of the things I appreciated about our few conversations was that he used Legit multiple times… that’s one of my favorite words.

    I suggested a local bar that had great food, killer drinks, and arcade games. I’m not sure that you can get better than that. It felt good to finally be free of any previous relationships. I dressed up for the date in excitement and in my opinion looked pretty good!

    I got there about 20 minutes early because I overestimated the time it would take to get ready. I arrive and it’s actually really busy for a Monday night. I sit at the bar and this guy starts talking to me. He loves hot foods so we talk a lot about different hot peppers he grows. He shows me photos of his garden.

    Aaron texts me that is also at the bar but in a different part. I laugh because the place is small and we both missed each other. I tell Aaron where I am. The guy I’ve been talking to asks about my message because I laughed and smiled big.

    I tell the him I’m there to meet a date and he says “Well it would be weird then if I asked you for your number.” I said “uh yes” and laughed awkwardly. It was the first time I can remember that I got asked for my number.

    It was then that I see Aaron for the first time. Let me tell you all he was so freaking hot. Like his pictures did not do him justice at all. He was taller, more built and just… ahhh. I immediately was glad that I had put in effort into looking nice. I normally do, but I was really pumped for the date back so really tried.

    Aaron sat in between the guy that asked for my number and I. I was so grateful because I wanted the focus on Aaron because one he was hot and smelled good but also to end the awkwardness.

    The bar guy leaves and wishes us luck! He was kind , just in comparison was not even close. Aaron and I chatted for about an hour. In this short time I found out he hit like a ton of things on my checklist. It was so cool because I hadn’t even put anything in my account for him to tailor his answers. It was just natural and I tried to keep my surprise in.

    I seriously couldn’t believe it. Every single answer just fit.

    After our conversation, we played arcade games. His gaming skills were much better but my trash talking skills came in first. While we played I think I laughed most of the time. He had a very similar sense of humor as I did. It was a mix between going to hell and dad jokes. He was able to hit me with both. He laughed at my dumb voices and he even sang long to the songs on the jukebox.

    One of my favorite moments was when we were playing an arcade game where each person takes turns. This was one of his jam games so he was very skilled. I, on the other hand, was horrible. I played for 30 seconds and him several minutes each turn.

    So I said a couple of times “This is exactly like when I used to play Super Mario Brothers with my cousin. I was really good at playing and my cousin would die really quickly. This is payback for that.”

    He finally said with a smirk, “I hope that it isn’t exactly like the time with your cousin.”

    I laughed and said in a matter of fact tone “well my cousin was also super hot.”

    At the end of the night we both cashed out and he walked me to my car. We gave each other a quick hug and went our separate ways. I drove home on cloud 9.

    I didn’t wait for him to text. I have never been one for waiting. We texted a few times tonight as well. It turned out that while he had fun (duh) I didn’t match some of the things he was looking for. He was honest and direct which I appreciated. Again another thing on the checklist.

    Am I disappointed?! Hell yes! But, I think maybe the purpose of having such a great date and guy out of the gate is to show me the possibility. A feeling I know is worth waking up at 5 AM for! 😘

    The Aftermath…

    So I said in a recent Facebook live video that I wouldn’t talk about Jack again. Turns out though, I should probably let everyone know exactly what happened after the blog.

    After writing the last chapter, I did an Instagram poll where I asked if I should send my blog (The Last Chapter) to Jack…

    The results were overwhelmingly NO!

    However, once I received two yeses I sent it over anyways. The poll was up for two hours. I sent over the blog in five minutes. I have no self-control…. I promise I normally do listen to my friends!

    So I sent over the blog and wasn’t expecting a reply back. However, after about 10 seconds I got a reply back from Jack. It was a sad face emoji and noooo written out really dramatically. He even said don’t close the book. I was trying to move on so I once again reiterated what I wanted to figure things out.

    He of course, in usual Jack fashion, did not reply back to this. He did message me the next day though. It was just a normal text and didn’t address what I asked. I still liked talking to him so I continued to reply. We followed this for a couple more days. Then on Thursday night, we texted with each other until almost 2 in the morning. We talked about how work and life was. I heard nothing from him on Friday.

    Then came Saturday, when everything ended..

    I was so excited to go to the local Celtic festival. I normally don’t go to these kind of things and after asking a few my friends to go with me I ended up going alone. I was actually excited to go. I have dreams of someday taking a vacation by myself. So I thought a festival 10 minutes away from home was definitely a good start.

    I got dressed up because I wanted to have the most confidence I could muster. I was looking cute and I was ready to go!

    I arrived at the festival and got a few beer tickets. I definitely wasn’t expecting to do this alone and completely sober. Plus isn’t it an Irish tradition have a beer in hand?! I was so surprised by how many people were there! At least a couple thousand I’m sure! It went on through many streets and there were tents set up playing music in several different areas. It was definitely very different than hanging out inside my house. Plus after a few hot guy smiles I was feeling good!

    Then as I’m walking through one of the streets, I see him…. Jack. Not only him. But the girl that he dated immediately after me. I thought they had broke up and my heart sank. I’m still not sure that he saw me. I walked quickly by and he had this weird smile on his face. It could’ve just been his face, he had gas or that he saw me. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

    I walked quickly by. I did not say a word. I texted him “don’t ever text me again” I was hurt and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do the friends / dating game again.

    I headed to a tent that was playing fun Irish music and tried to clear my thoughts. I wasn’t sure how I felt but I let myself get lost in the music for a few songs. I held my beer up high, danced and sang along until the music stopped.

    I cannot believe I’d seen him… I hadn’t seen him since the run in at Target before Christmas. I still couldn’t shake the sad feeling so I headed to a quiet spot away from the people to say a little prayer. After a few minutes watching the sunset I headed back to the festival and determined I was going to have fun!

    I walked back into the festival. Although I was still sad I was determined to have a good time! I couldn’t let a little run in ruin my independent woman moment! I walked around for about an hour. Then I see him again. This time he was walking by himself and we directly crossed paths. 5,000 people and I see him twice… I needed to say something.

    I keep walking for moment, pet a really cute dog (because why wouldn’t I?! he was really cute) and turned around. I headed over to the area where he was walking and see him. This time, however, she is with him. I knew I had to take my chance. I knew I had to say something to him. So I took a deep breath. Then I said hi!

    He introduced me and Christa* to one another. I said hello very friendly and I think I even said nice to meet you. To be honest this entire conversation is a blur. So I may get things wrong. But I know the basic chain of events.

    He then asks me, “Jill, are you still working out of Columbus?” This moment is when I go from sad to livid. He was going to pretend that we hadn’t just talked about this very thing on Thursday. He was trying to make it seem to Christa that I was just someone from his past. That he hadn’t spoke to me in a while. Maybe I was. But he knew and all of you knew I wanted to be part of his future.

    So instead of playing along. I said “Oh come on Jack! We just talked about this on Thursday. I told you I work there a couple times a week.”

    Then he asked me if I was there with my sister or friends. I don’t know why, but at this moment I lied. I told him that I was there with friends and they were down the way. I immediately felt embarrassed that I was there by myself while he was there with his new/ old girlfriend.

    things continue to be very awkward. At one point I even tell him that I’m going to block him from any way he can contact me. Then I turned to Christa and said “The reason things feel so awkward right now is because he was talking to you when he was dating me.”

    Her eyes got big and I turned around and walked away. It was the truth.

    While I don’t think he was dating her I’m pretty confident he was keeping her close enough for a back up. She had sent him a 😘 text one time while we were at dinner. He said it was a 😒 but I had eyes that can see. I never asked him to show it to me then… I didn’t have much of a backbone.

    I walked away and immediately called one of my friends. I couldn’t believe I had done that! I am not the kind of woman to cause drama or even to confront someone when the only person impacted is myself. Not so public. Not so personal. Definitely not to Jack.

    I was so proud of myself! I had learned the one lesson I needed to learn with him. One that I knew was outstanding. That was to stand up for myself about the grey. The not so black and white situations. I had thought about that one minute at dinner A LOT! Why hadn’t I asked to see the phone? I knew why… I didn’t want to seem crazy and I didn’t want him to walk away. This time I was a little bit crazy and I did the walking. I also didn’t care what he thought about me in that moment.

    In retrospect, I realized I may have jumped to some conclusions in this situation. I have no idea if they were there dating or friends. He probably even felt awkward and that may have been the reason for the work question. I don’t know and it didn’t matter. I wasn’t even sure my purpose in saying hi. I just knew I had to.

    However, I don’t regret it. The reason why is because it gave me the strength to actually move on. I know I’ve said it before. I know people are tired of hearing me say it. But it was like that one moment in the court room with my ex-husband when I knew I was done.

    I did unblock him from both calling and texting. This is not because I want to hear from him in a romantic way. But he will always be someone that I care about and I will always be willing to help him out if he ever needs it. In that way he is just like the men I’ve loved and moved on from before.

    I re-logged in to the dating sites this past week and already have a few promising hopefuls! I even have a date planned tomorrow! This time I am really excited and know that my guy is out there. I’m so freaking pumped! 😘