So the last week has been a slow realization… Bear with me while I walk you though where I am at in my process.

So my last blog I mentioned the inspiring speaker that I had listened to the night before. It was Jon Gordon the author of The Energy Bus and a lot of other positive books.

It was a last minute gift from one of my dear friends. She had missed a connecting flight and here I was. Great seats and twitterapted for inspiration.

Jon told of great anecdotes, chill moments and ah ha pings. However the one thing that hit me like a ton of bricks was when he said (something like):

We spend a lot of time listening to what our mind is thinking. However, we should spend more time telling our mind what to think.

So it hit me hard. I hadn’t thought about what practical application I would be able up use such a mind F… But I knew it was big! At least my arm hairs told me it was.

Then that next day I wrote my blog. Let me tell you all now…I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!

I have several people I love… who don’t know eachother and they all agree on one thing… I need to move on and now. It was such a moment of reconsideration. So I realized… Ah ha I need to TELL my mind what to think. Practical application to an inspirational thought.

This may get a little hokey for some of you but I’ve always laid it on the line. (feel free to move down a paragraph or two).

I was thinking about Jack and how everytime I thought of him I’d get a little smile and a little sadness. I thought about him like a book. I had a whole story in there… A beginning, a middle, and an end. I could literally imagine the book of Jack in my hands. It lit up and I felt all the emotions I do when I think of him. Then I imagined I was closing the book. I legit saw lights of love and gratitude explode on the cover. Then I put it away on a shelf.

It was then that I realized I have other pain and “books” I needed to put away as well. I repeated the thought with other lessons in love.

I had done the thinking, learned the lessons and needed to move on. I was becoming comfortable in the stall of my love life.

Then over the last few days I had another ah ha moment. The remaining guys I have on my radar also don’t match what I need right now. I need to start over. Truly a clean slate.

I have always heard that in order to end a bad habit (focusing on guys that aren’t into me) I should focus on a new habit.

So I replaced the focu on what I DO want in a man. I had told you before that I was going to write 100 things I’m looking for in a future husband.

So here are the first couple of thoughts. These are not the most important ones just the first 5, there are 95 more where I can hit some one the other bigger and sillier ones. Also they are not all deal breakers… More like guidelines 😉

1. Must Love Dogs

I have three dogs. Yes three dogs. I spent a lot of time being worried about this and the idea of a being labeled a “crazy dog” lady or having too much baggage. However, I’ve grown to realize each dog comes with its own personality and place in my family.

2. Must Enjoy his Job

(or being doing something to change it)

I LOVE my job! I love the people I work with and the work I do. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I have chosen where I work. I would challenge most people that they also make that choice.

Enjoying what I do adds a level of fun (and of course sometimes stress) to my day. I want someone that makes some fun in their everyday as well.

3. Must Not be Easily Embarrassed

I try to make fun in almost everything I do. This includes sometimes dancing while I’m walking. Doing silly voices. Making a comment to make someone laugh.

My daughter today said, “Mom you always make at least one person laugh wherever you go.” This made me smile and proud. She’s not afraid of the awkward moment.

4. Must be Heading to Hell for their Sense of Humor

I’ll need a partner down there for coal shoveling and other tasks.

5. Must Understand My Anxiety

(or be open to learn)

When I ask for confirmation for the thirtieth time it is not because I didn’t hear you.

When I say I’m having a panic moment, just listen and take control if needed.

When I’ve thought about something all night and ask 100 questions… just explain what you were thinking honestly. Don’t panic, tell me I’m over thinking, or skirt your answer. I always prefer knowing what I’m working with so be honest.

So I was so excited and renewed coming back from Disney! My perspective was clear and I was enjoying the cloud nine feeling.

While I was driving the llllooooonnnngggg way home I got a text from Jack*. It was an unprompted picture of a jar of jalapeño stuffed olives. I was shocked. I took a few minutes and I replied back. Before I knew it, we were a couple of hours texting and then the full day. He was contributing just as much as I was. During this he asked me when my next improv show because he wanted to see me. That day of texting felt like no time had passed at all and it made the drive time fly by.

I went to sleep early that morning and woke up feeling completely energized. I wouldn’t let myself go to “What does this mean?” or think about us being back together. Although, I’ll be honest, inspite of my feeble attempts the thoughts did creep in. Then I would smile and continue to clean and do laundry. You could have filmed me with a few birds helping me with socks and you would’ve thought I was still at Disney.

It was a Disney high mixed with a Jack boost.

Jack texted me that morning “Nice driving” and then silence. Yes silence. At first I took it as “Oh he’s busy” and then after a few days with no replies I realized… It is over. That revisited connection was just a moment. Nothing more. I can’t continue to think about him and think about what if. Clearly he still thinks of me and wanted to revisit our connection. But it was a realization that’s all it will end up being…a memory.

So I moved on. More than I have before. That feeling is really nice but I’m not going to say I’m not a little disappointed. As I said before, it is tough to to truly think someone was “the one” and be wrong.

So I have started picking up my online dating game and trying to put more effort in it. So far, no dates. I don’t know why but online dating has felt different lately. No real connections, some funny banter, and then disinterest. From me or them. It is a weird feeling but I’m trying to figure it out.

A few nights ago I saw the “high school crush” guy . It was a good chat. I felt like a sophomore about to pass a football style note.

I had said before the feeling is one sided, but having a hot friend is never a bad thing. Plus I like talking to him. I feel inspired and think about things differently. I trust his opinion. It was a great night then at the end turned odd. Not by him but just odd because of some circumstances. I don’t go into it because it is awkward and will give things away.

I was driving home that night and had a moment that I’m sure many single women and men have had. For a brief moment I thought about giving up on dating. I had a very rare moment of self pity. I’m more of a boot straps kind of woman.

Of course this feeling wasn’t because of this guy. We don’t know eachother like that. It was just the needle on top of a mountain that tips it over. I cried for about 5 minutes. Gave myself some pity tears and why me thoughts. Then I walked in my door, turned up music and sang in the kitchen.

I woke up this morning with a renewed hope. I listened to a great speaker about vision and goals last night. I’m going to take some time to reflect on how to become the best version of me. It is always an ongoing process 💜

This week I’m at the happiest place on earth… Disney World 🏰

I first came here when I was 27. My husband and I decided to “go all out” that year because we would not be back. “There are so many places to visit in the world… We cannot just go to one place.”

With three pairs of hands (including our daughter) in a circle, on the plane to Florida, we agreed “We will not become ‘those’ people.”

I cried the first time I saw the castle. For me this was bigger than just a vacation. As a kid I never even dreamed about going to Disney. There was no use in wanting to go. Money was way too tight and I would have been disappointed. I have always kept to the dreams I can accomplish. Yet add an adult, there I was standing in front of THE CASTLE, with my Minnie ears, and holding the hands of the people I love. This was a moment.

By the end of the trip I was hooked and have been back many times. I still tear up when I see those white pillars.

This year when I was planning our trip, I decided to make it a road trip. Single mom budget does not account for two flights or the fancy hotel of the past. My daughter is too young to drive so I would be single pair of hands behind the wheel for 14+ hours.

Believe it or not… I was actually excited! Quality time chatting with my fave and busting out our dance moves. What I hadn’t expected was the down time to think and the realizations that come with it. I was driving into the last part of a very adventure filled drive to Florida, inclusive of a wicked snow storm and a spin out that stopped the highway, and had a mom moment. I realized that I was perfectly happy just being her and I.

The truth is I have been focused on dating for the past three years. Yet, I’m not sure that I’m any closer to finding the one. When I was going through my divorce the one idea that kept me going was “maybe I can get remarried someday and have another baby.” Another baby was a major point of contention in my previous marriage. I thought this was my chance.

However, I’m 35 years old. Time isn’t really on my side. For most of my single life this idea would panic me. However, now it a calm option. I am happy with my family being me and my sassy teenager. It rids me of the intense pressure of my loudly clicking time clock.

In my dating life right now everything is up in the air. My dating apps are busy but not substantial. I am not putting the effort needed to make it worthwhile. I’ve been busy planning this trip and working.

I am still talking to Kevin from before although I think we would both agree we are good flirty friends. (No, that is not code for friends with benefits). He’s amazing guy though so who knows.

I do have a high school type crush on a guy from my actual real life (not from a dating profile). Seriously I feel like I’m in high school. The butterflies when I see him, smile when someone says his name “He’s so hot and so nice”, and like my high school experiences… One sided. Ugh!

I can feel though in my life something special is coming. I don’t know what it is but with everything up in the air… Anything is possible! When I stand in front of the castle tomorrow morning and hold my daughters hand I’ll be sure to remember this… With tears in my eyes I’m sure. ❤️

Life has a way of always teaching me compassion the moment I start to judge someone. For instance, it is easy for me to judge something horrific… like murder.

Yet…someone rides too close to my bumper and I want to hit my brakes in rage… Possibly causing an accident. I realize “Oh that’s the feeling.”

Just enough of a glimpse of an emotion to remind myself everyone is human. It’s those moments when I’m grateful that I have the support and the mental and moral fortitude to give the one finger salute and move to the middle lane.

Kevin and I had a whirlwind dating adventure. We connected quickly and moved even quicker. Although both of us kept saying that we weren’t ready for commitment we were exclusive after the second date. I talked about how many dates we had gone on and the frequency before. It was a lot and often.

Then one night I had a panic moment when I realized I am not ready to be in a relationship. It was too much too fast. I thought back to how Jack felt after our first couple of dates when I started pressuring him. The time when he “ghosted” me. It was something I didn’t understand before and honestly judged him for.

The only difference now was that the speed and frequency was the pressure… not the people. Kevin felt the same way I did. The spark had started to fade and we realized we were too different. It was the most amicable and sweet break up conversation. It was nice to naturally both feel the same way and not be blindsided. I would only hope every break up will be like that in my life. While I am bummed I’m am not sad. It was the right thing to do, for now, while I figure things out.

I’m going to take this time and just enjoy dating. Go deliberately very slow. It is clear I am still moving on from Jack and while it has gotten a heck of a lot better it is not gone. Yes, in case you’re wondering, I feel like a total weirdo that I still have sad moments. He moved on months ago and is happy. Then here I am, a smart, independent, logical woman that still has what my kid calls “Jack moments.” It can be a little annoying to say the least.

I’m not worried though. It is getting better and the time with Kevin proved to me that there is light and love on the other end. It was just enough of a glimpse of a feeling to not judge myself for still caring and holding on. I am allowed to love and allowed to move on. Afterall, that’s the hardest person for me not to judge… Myself.

A few weeks before the New Year, I finally got the nerve to do something I have not done. I asked a guy from real life out for drinks. Not a guy I met in a dating app but a regular real life hottie. I know this may sound easy for some of you but not me. I am very comfortable in the friend zone with most new guys.

I thought a lot before I sent the message. This was a guy that I would have to see again, could tell others I asked him, and I had no clue if he was interested. Typing with sweaty fingers I sent the message… and waited… and waited some more.

Honestly, if it takes a guy a while to answer you can probably guess the answer, a very polite no thank you. However, during the hours of waiting, I realized something BIG! I was more excited by the fact I had the courage to ask then waiting on his answer. Of course, I was a little disappointed and it was a little awkward when I had to see him again. However when I did, I acted “normal”… Yeah dude “I’m normal, you’re normal, we’re normal” and within a few minutes I didn’t have to act… I was normal-ish.

In 2018 I’m a risk taker…

I was so lucky to be married to a man that is killer with budgets! During our marriage I trusted him to run our finances and his excel spreadsheets of 401k earnings was nothing short of amazing. He knew what we had, how much we could spend, and when we could stretch a little bit.

When we first got married stretch was a very big word. He was going to school full time, working full time and working a weekend job. I remember during this we had moments where we had a $30 grocery budget. He determined the budget and I tried to make it work.

Now I won’t say I was always the best at this. Many times later on (when we had a lot more money) I would go over budget. I wasn’t nearly as frugal or responsible as he was.

So when we divorced, with the emotions, and without my spreadsheet voice of reason… I went a little overboard. Kind of like…the life boats on the Titanic overboard. If each passenger in the lifeboat was a separate online store, food place, or monthly delivery place. It can get so bad at times I have NO IDEA what is in the package on my porch.

Truthfully, Amazon may have a small section of a conveyor belt named after me.

In 2018 I’m going to hold myself accountable for my spending…

I spent most of 2017 thinking about and predicting how my love life will turn out. I spent the first 10 months sure I found “the one.” Then spent the last 2 months praying for a sign to know if I was wrong. Should I hold on or let go? Would my waiting pay off or should I move on? Cleverly I was praying for a sign of certainty.

This looking for signs almost made me a little crazy. Everything seemed like a sign in my quest for an answer. I prayed to move on many nights and my feelings remained. It was a not a great way to spend the year. After seeing Jack, mentioned in my last blog, I drove around for about an hour. I kept praying “How should I feel? Tell me how I should feel?”

Then clear as day I had a thought “I should be asking for the patience to not need to know and have faith.”

I’m not the most religious person and yet I felt a lot better. I realized I don’t need to know the who and how I will meet my future husband. It doesn’t matter how much I think about or analyze my future I only have so much control. I just need to have faith that I will meet him someday.

In 2018 I will keep my analyzing to my men… Not my future.

Not what you thought I’d say huh?! Well I’m still me and need to analyze something. The good news is I have a man I’m currently analyzing and after a few dates in things are looking up. More on him in the next blog 😉

HAPPY NEW YEAR!