I know I haven’t written in a while. To be honest there have been a few factors behind the unplanned writing silence. The last few months I have really been struggling. I have mentioned in many of my previous posts my anxiety and how it can get in the way of both my dating and my regular life.
For a long time, I refused to go to the doctor to get help. I wanted to fix it on my own, told myself it was a “mental thing”, that if I just did enough breathing exercises and focused enough it would go away. Of course it did not.
Towards the end of last year, I finally broke down and went to the doctor and “the conversation”.
I told her in between tears how I was having real trouble focusing at work, felt like my heart was going to explode of my chest and how I was just getting frustrated. I talked about the time at the grocery store my arms went numb and I dropped a gallon of milk at the checkout aisle. The milk spilled everywhere including on the pants on the lady in front of me.
The lady was kind and joked “It’s okay I’m Day 3 of these jeans anyway!” I think she could see my wide eyes and my fear.
I stressed with the doctor I didn’t want anything habit forming, that could be sold on the streets or anything that would make me zone out. I didn’t want to become one of “those moms.” The moms dropping Xanax with the bottle of wine at night. I didn’t want to become a statistic. Addiction runs rampant in my family and yoga and counseling should be enough… but it wasn’t.
It was a really tough conversation but one that I needed to have. After a few follow up visits, the doctor prescribed me a SSRI. She assured me it wasn’t habit forming and the dose was low enough that I wouldn’t feel an intense change. She said one day you’ll just wake up and realize it wasn’t as tough as it was before.
The next few months it really did help. Trips to the grocery store stopped requiring pep talks and deep breathing exercises (before, during and after). I was able to make clear decisions at work and even felt like I was kicking ass!
However, the medicine would lose its effectiveness after about 6 weeks so we would up the dose. It finally got to the maximum dose that I could take it.
I stayed on that dose for several months. My anxiety was quietly becoming a lot. However instead of reacting in a state of panic I found myself sleeping to avoid it. Sleeping a lot.
On weekends I was struggling to get up before 3 or 4. Yeah not really a great mom move I know.
I began to just not show up to friend hangouts. It was just too overwhelming. If I did go out, I would post it… EVERY TIME. I didn’t want to look so alone. I even convinced myself to quit improv for a little bit “work was going to get too busy.” It was true but the excuse was exaggerated to the actual reality.
I stopped checking in with my besties. Some of which were going through some really tough situations…deaths, loss of jobs and depression of their own. I wasn’t the friend that I needed to be.
I started to gain weight.. 25 lbs. Yes I realize just a number and I do believe that. But for this it was a symptom of something bigger. No pun intended.
It was once again getting overwhelming and this time it wasn’t a pride that stopped me from going back to the doctor it was a sense of failure. This time I had the meds, something that was supposed to chemically change my mind and I still couldn’t cut it.
I finally went back to the doctor a couple months ago. She immediately said something about my weight. I told her it is tough to work out when all my energy is needed to get out of bed. She was very sympathetic and told me this can happen and that it was as simple as trying something new.
She did and I have and I’m telling you I feel so much better. She tried a different medicine that gave me all the reassurances of the previous one. Not habit forming, although this one couldn’t be quit cold turkey.
I will say I finally feel back to my old self. Like my actual old self. Before anxiety took over. I have hopefully become a better friend and am rocking it out as a mom before 3pm. Still at noon though. I like to sleep in folks!
Plus, my dating life is beginning to turn around. I am actually engaged on the dating apps and am in a much better spot. I’m not seeing the light I’m actually in it. Sorry for the lack of writing and I hope you guys are as pumped as I am for the posts of the future.