It’s time for a new blog… I can tell because I get this anxious feeling in my body when I NEED to write. Yes I say it’s a need because my mind and my body doesn’t stop thinking of what I need to say until it is written down. I wake up in the middle of the night with unspoken words and wake up with an entire thought decided but not written down. I’t’s how I know I was born to write. I’m sure my fellow bloggers know this exact feeling.
I keep thinking about 2020. Wow! What a decade it has been! I mean I started this decade happily married and now ending it happily single. It’s the weirdest feeling. In this series of blogs I will talk about my biggest learns from the time of my separation until today.
I am in my growing stage (I’m not sure I’ll ever have everything figured out) and I hope my growing helps you to grow as well or at the very least helps you feel better about your growth.
2014 /2015- Life in Pieces
This was the year of my separation / divorce. To say this was a pivotal time for me would be a HUGE understatement. There is my life with my father, the life with my husband and the life after that. That is how my life is broken up.
I married very young at the age of 20. I was a woman who got married as an escape of my childhood and to do “the right thing” after I got pregnant. As much as my husband I loved each other, there was never an idea that we married for love. We worked for our love and our marriage. Luckily for me and my background I ended up marrying a wonderful man. There is so many lovely things I could write about my daughter’s dad, the 14 years we shared and the inspiration he would provide for the rest of my life. I owe him a lot because of our marriage and because of our divorce.
However, the transition from “we” to “me” was brutal and felt sudden. One of my biggest moments happened in a Meijer grocery store… in the meat aisle to be exact.
If you’ve been a loyal reader of my blog you know I have a “thing” about grocery stores. It’s an INSTANT panic I get the minute I walk in. My chest tightens up, my grip follows and my breath gets shallow.
So when my husband and I agreed that I could put ONE LAST purchase on the family credit card before he took over paying the balance, it was a lot. I walked into the store with my breath shallow, hands gripped and heart beating to a tempo only known by a dubstep song after the beat drops!
I didn’t make a list. I didn’t even know what to list. My brain was in this “life ending as I knew it” spin that wasn’t conducive to clarity and I needed to buy everything I needed for a few weeks. The few weeks before my the first credit card, in my own name only, came in the mail.
I aimlessly walked down the aisles Trying to catch my breath and loosen my grip enough to grab the essentials.
Shampoo? Sure. Conditioner? Sure why not?
I passed by the people mindlessly getting their necessities and thought “Do they have any idea my life is ending? Can they tell that I cried the entire way here? Can they tell just how incredibly lost I am in Aisle 10?”
I grabbed a few things here and there and then ended up in the meat aisle. The meat aisle. For a meat eater like myself the meat is the star of the dinner. This one ingredient would help determine what the rest of the dinner would consist of.
I stared at the pork chops, hamburger and steaks and couldn’t pick up any. I had never bought for one. I picked up one hamburger selection after another and placed it down. I pretended to be a shopper that knew what they needed so deeply that I knew the difference in my life between 1.25 lbs and 1.0 lbs.
Then the tears began to run… they felt like fire burning down my cheeks onto the patties below. I tired to keep it a secret cry (like maybe a bad case of allergies) but my shoulders began to shake and I started to sob. Right there in the middle of the meat aisle. No one stopped. No one helped. I am not sure I could have said anything if they had. It was me and me alone. Standing in front of ground chuck on sale for $2.00 a lb.
I had no idea how much I needed.
I had no idea how much I needed of anything.
I grabbed a styrofoam tray of meat and threw it in my cart.
I quickly checked out.
I spent $60 that last shopping trip.
Those years were several moments of those moments. Those “I’m strong” until I can’t be strong anymore and the tears pour out without my consent.
Luckily for me when I had THOSE moments, THOSE moments when I couldn’t stop, my sister would call. It was like God knew when it was too much. When I couldn’t do it alone and sent her. My sister was sent to just listen and in one instance show up at my door with several pounds of meat, 3 gallons of milk, cash and a HUGE hug. This was after the groceries from my Meijer trip ran out and a penny pinching $27 Walmart trip ended up with a gallon of milk spilled in my garage. She showed up with her husband.
In 2015 I learned my life could change in literally an instant, I would have to push through it, but I NEVER had to do it alone.