Unfortunately, things with Sean and I ended. Like most things right in the world right now, our relationship was marred by the quarantine and pandemic.
Our last date was the pizza date we had in March. Since then Sean has been sick twice (meaning two start overs for 14 day quarantine) and had a pretty major life event thrown his way.
So while I was taken off guard when he ended things to focus on himself and his life, I wasn’t entirely surprised. The Jill charm is much better received in person (not over the phone) and it’s hard to shine my light consistently bright enough over a global pandemic.
Plus, you guys know I struggle with anxiety. This heightened state of awareness has lead to bouts of my own emotional fatigue (crying fit while mopping my floors etc), which made it even more difficult to be a strong support system.
I would love to say that when Sean ended it, I fully accepted it and was able to move on. That however was not the case. We all know by now, moving on is NOT my specialty (*Jack cough cough).
I had seen so much potential in our future it has been really hard to let that go. I don’t know how many times while Sean and I were together I thought “Holy Shit I’m dating this guy!” I had fallen for Sean and VERY hard.
He consistently did nice and thoughtful things for other people. He would talk about dropping off supplies and toilet paper to people he knew needed it. He was never boastful about it, it would just come up as we would chat about our days. It was natural to him to think of others.
He was also always there when I needed him. Whether it was skipping playing soccer to stay on the phone with me while a tow truck came to fix my tire (yes he did offer to do it himself) or listening to me tell him my hundredth work story. He just was there and we would laugh or talk until I wasn’t stressed anymore.
I mean I could go on and on… like seriously for hours. However, I realize that I have a tendency to focus on the positives of a person so much that I miss the key factor for me to want to date someone… they need to want to date me.
I waited for 2 weeks to make this post about the break up. I had hoped that there would be a consensus that we just needed a COVID break. (That should be a thing…. if it’s not already) A month or two to keep things extra light, not date other people, and just focus on getting through this stressful time. However, that idea and conversation never happened and the messages that have been sent are short and concise. Very friendly but no mixed messages about our future (or lack thereof).
This is an instance when I am allowing my learns from other men shade my view on the break up. I am normally hopeful that things will pick back up. That Sean will realize what we had was special and see what I had seen. The Jill of the past would wait around even though he never asked me to or even mentioned a desire to get back together.
However now I realize I have spent way too much time and energy in my life devoted to men where the feeling is strongly one sided. I won’t put myself through that again. If someday Sean decides that he does want to figure things out, then we will cross that bridge. I’m not ruling anything out at all (see above great things.)
However I know if I hold on to hope I will struggle to move on at all. I need to focus my energy on trying to be healthy-ish and happy-ish. Focus on this moment right now, pray for guidance / peace and not worry about what the next moment might bring. 😍