Thanks for coming back! I’m warning you this will be a LONG one…

So Jason* and I drive together to Steak N Shake to grab a bite to eat. Ir’s after 11pm but with my adrenaline and excitement I’m wide awake (plus I’m a natural night owl… look at the times of my blogs). I’m can’t wait to chat with him more and honestly I’m even already thinking about our first kiss. What can I say? We were finally at the place where our chemistry and timing were in the same place!

We are sitting at the booth and we’re both talking about the speed dating event and all the things that we thought were funny etc. At one point we even sit together and go on the Facebook event to find people that we had met. It’s a very flirty conversation and I’m finding moments in the conversation to touch him (and vice versa). So after all the speed dating chatter we  go to what we talked about the best… our dating lives. He had mentioned he had a date with a girl a couple days earlier in our text conversation, so of course I wanted to know how that went. I mean after all, I need to know what I’m working with right?!

He begins to tell me about the date and I can instantly tell something is up.  Jason is  being very matter of fact and cagey. This is very strange because he normally tells about the dates in a joking fashion and is very honest.  He talks about the girl and  I can tell that she isn’t looking for the same things as I am (marriage, family, stability, etc). Like the ex I mentioned in my last blog, I like her in that way that you’re supposed to love everyone. But, this girl I WOULD associate with…with a bag of popcorn…like watching a “good” character in a reality TV show. So after a few minutes of him explaining what happened on the date and talking about her, I flat out asked the question I knew the answer to… “Did you sleep with her?”

“Yes” he says and I’m pissed.  Jealous? Yes definitely. But, just pissed. I immediately go into defensive mode. The game just changed and my EPIC battle began.

I think we need to interrupt this convo so you can know some facts about me…

First- I am not a Manziel, meaning I don’t play back up (or am not an alcoholic ex member of the dawg pound). I don’t expect a guy to date only me in the beginning, but if I’ve been on several dates with a guy I expect him to like me the most. If he hasn’t figured out how amazing I am by that point.. I’m probably not his cup of tea.

Second- I don’t compete… especially when I think it could be important. I get a sick feeling in my stomach and feel VERY uncomfortable For example, I was applying for a social media job a couple years ago at my work. I loved the role and the team. However, I spent the interview talking about myself some and then the rest about the great qualities of the other applicant. (we actually both got the job because she ended up doing the same thing for me – Love her!)

So both of these things are now exploding in my mind during this conversation and I literally can’t think straight. I begin to call him out… First on a previous conversation we had where he said that he  normally dates a girl for a while after sleeping with them.  I told him this date was a complete waste of my time and I’m not sure why I’m here. Second, that apparently the drama of his ex wasn’t a one off and he’s really not looking for something serious. He starts into that it’s not serious about the girl and that he likes me as well.. blah.. blah.. blah. (To be honest I stopped listening). At one point he tells me he felt bad because he told her we were only friends. I told him “Don’t worry you won’t be lying… the best you’re getting at the end of this date is a high five.”

Needless to say the rest of the dinner is quick and I am ready to go… like now. So we get into the car and I calm down a little bit. We both decide he’s going to focus on figuring out things with that girl and I was going to focus on another guy that I was dating. I told him that he needed to tell the girl the truth about who I was… He says he will. I still don’t know if he ever did. I get out of the car quickly.

My Mind After the Date: WTF… Are you kidding me?! This is the same guy I spent HOURS talking about his ex and then still chatted with him for weeks to figure things out. Now, he goes and goes after the same type of girl? Not only goes on a date with this girl, sleeps with her, and then lies to her about me like I’m nothing. Seriously? This guy is completely wasting my time. He has no idea what he wants and he wants to play both sides. I don’t compete and I’m not playing back up.

My Heart After the Date:  Ugh… man… this… sucks. But, I me he did say he wasn’t serious with her and that he likes me… right? After all, I wasn’t really competing because we hadn’t kissed so I was still in the friend zone.

For the next few weeks, we both stop the flirty chatting and talking about dating. We do continue to text  but just in the friend zone. I focus on a hot police officer that I date a few times and he continues to go on dates with the other girl and even more girls.

Things don’t work out between the police officer and during one of our text conversations I ask Jason how things are progressing with the other girl. He says that they are not and that things are not serious. So with that in mind, the texts start coming with a heart flutter (again with the heart piece). We agree on a fourth date.

Battle 4…Friendly Banter

Before our fourth date, I told myself to just have fun and not put pressure on it.Our text conversations really brightened my day everyday so I was just really glad to get to see him.

We decide to eat at Piada (mmm soo good).  The conversation is flowing and I’m once again just googly eyes about him. We avoid the big conversation about the girl and instead keep it light. I had just taken a family vacation (that he texted me through) and we chatted about this milk I found  during vacation that was pricey and looked delicious. After dinner, we drive over to Target to see if the pricey milk is there. It’s not. I was disappointed.

We drive back to Piada and park next to my car. We sit in his car together talking and eventually have our first kiss. It was amazing.  Something that my mind and my heart couldn’t argue with.

My Mind After the Date: Girl you better watch it. Don’t start liking this guy again you are setting yourself up for complete heartbreak.

My Heart After the Date:  Ahh… so natural and amazing! Great date!

After the date we both agree the chemistry is there once again (I could  argue it never quite left). So we plan a fifth date quickly after.

Battle 5…Mind is winning (last date)

So for our fifth date is to a grocery store. Now, I know what you are thinking… what is up with Jill and stores? But this place is a large store with a lot of exotic foods and samples. I’m beyond pumped and knew it would be fun!

We decide to go out to eat before and the food is so good and once again tit for tat with the conversation. We drive the hour to the grocery store. I start talking about a date I just went on and how the guy called out the fact that I put myself into the friend zone quickly by talking to guys about their dating. Jason said that he realized that too about me.  He stated that he didn’t want to talk about dating at all on this date and especially about the other girl and how things were going with her. That comment stuck with me and wiggled it’s way right into my head. Yep, I knew things were progressing with her apparently.

We went through the grocery aisle and throughout the walk I am in my head. I am friendly but don’t do the normal things I do when I like a guy after a few dates. Things like grab their hand, secret butt pinches, or sneaky kisses. In my head I decide I’m in the friend zone and I really need to just focus on that. We are both having fun but I am avoiding touching him and can feel myself being friendly (not flirty). My mind has officially won at this point.

We have a good time at the grocery store and drive the hour drive back. The conversation goes well without talking about “the topic”.  As we pull into the restaurant parking lot to my car I’m beginning to freak out in my head. He stops the car and I can’t even look at him. I tried to give him a high five and he looks at me weirdly. I say “I’m not even sure what we’re doing here” because I really don’t know. We have a little conversation and once again he goes in for the kiss and once again my heart jumps in. He then walks me to the car and puts his hands on my cheeks and leans down and gives me a kiss. I say to him “You better watch out kissing me like that in public Jason. You may give me the wrong idea.” He smiled and walked back to his car.

My Mind After the Date: Why do I even bother?

My Heart After the Date:  Wee! That Kiss Tho!

After our date, I decide that I can’t do this whole mind/heart thing anymore and I need to really put it out there for Jason. I nervously send him a text telling him uncomfortable I feel with the situation and that he really needs to decide who he wants to date. If he’s not ready or if it’s not me then I’m out. I turn off the phone, drink a Bad Juan with one of my girlfriends (while talking about Jason) and then finally check his answer. He said he could feel that I was there and to give him a few days to decide.

The next couple of days he continues to text me. The chemistry is still there and I really think I have a shot. He says how he’s thinking of me and I play it cool. I am not one to think I know any answer or outcome.

After a few days though the texts start to get weird and short. I can tell I’m out and that he’s decided I’m not the one for him. I gracefully bow out so he doesn’t have to. I wish him the best of luck with whoever he ends up with. To be honest, while I knew that would be the outcome in my mind my heart still had a tough time with the news. I wasn’t devastated by any means but I was definitely more bummed about the end of that more than anyone up to that point. It just sucked.

If you would have asked me the lesson learned a few days ago I would have said that I am good at analyzing things and that I really need to stay true to that strength and listen to my mind. That if I ignore my thoughts, I may end up again in a bad episode of The Bachelor begging and hoping for a guy to pick me.

However, I read an article and realized how grateful I am to have gone through this.  It was a moment so unlike me where I followed my heart completely. While it didn’t end well it was a lot of great moments and lessons learned. So my real LL: Sometimes in the epic battle of my mind and heart, I need to listen to both because each contains a valuable piece of future.