I’m too clumsy for this… 

How am I doing? Well if you’re passing by me… Good! And you?

Believe it or not I was feeling much better about a week ago. I felt like I was FINALLY getting a grasp on life and a positive perspective. 

Then last week that all changed. I saw the one thing that no one wants to see when you recently break up with someone. Jack posted a pic of him and his new girlfriend with 😍😍 as the caption. Yep. I know. let that settle in…

I could hear my recently healed heart shatter into a million pieces. 

Why? Not because I was surprised that he was dating or who he was dating. Men move on quickly. 

My heart break was that he posted a picture on his social media of her. We dated for 9 months and had a great friendship before and he NEVER would post a pic of us. He always gave his reasons and they made sense at the time. But this was always a point of insecurity for me. I knew I didn’t look like the other women he had dated and I didn’t really understand.

I know what this looks like, so I want to give my strong opinion on this. I’m pretty confident that there was nothing shady going on while I was dating him. We always went out to public places, I always got to choose them and we would  hold hands etc in public. I did text him this question as well and for the first time in a month (since we officially stopped trying to work it out) he replied. It was a definitive no and I believe him. 

So in my quest to heal I started some new habits. One of these is starting a yoga class with my friend. Just to give you some images, I am not at all flexible or graceful but I needed a challenge. Normally in class I go through the motions, clumsily, and attempt to not injure myself. My friend and I laugh at the end and have a blast! We both need the distraction.

But last night was different. I came in from a tough day in general, emotions high and was holding on to everything to avoid an emotional moment. We had a new yoga teacher and I was unsure that she’d understand my “method” of yoga. Do what I can and do my own thing when its too tough. 

The class began and the music started playing. It was one of those chanting songs. I got nervous because this level of seriousness normally throws me into the giggles. To give you an idea of how weird this kind of stuff makes me… Let me tell you about my lamaze class. 

In these lamaze classes they teach you various tricks to help work through the pain of childbirth. Breathing techniques, massaging, exercise movements, etc. Well the lamaze teacher then wanted us to walk through a visualization exercise. She put on soft babbling brook music and began sing songy  talking about deer in creeks etc. It was too much for me. I got the giggles at first, then the reaction to the giggles got me laughing harder and finally I had to step out. It wasn’t my finest moment. All in all not my thing.

So back to yoga class. The new teacher started playing the chant music and immediately I got uncomfortable. I thought “Oh no! This shit is going to be serious.” 

But then she had us lay down and breathe. No one was watching, there were no clumsy moves and I had confidence that I knew how to breathe. She then quietly talked about intention. For this class what was our intention? What did we want to come out feeling? I thought for a second and the word PEACE hit me hard.

All I want is peace. Peace in my emotions, peace in my thoughts and peace in my life. I have been trying so many things to just get my mind and heart to stop. 

My prayers have tripled since this break up. I never pray that Jack and I will get back together. If we are not meant to be that’s too painful. I pray that I’ll have patience and trust in the process. That I’ll be guided to do the right things and that my future husband will be guided as well. I’m open up to whoever that may be…including Jack. That’s what I pray for. I’m not the most religious person at all (there are jokes that I’m sure I’ll be going to hell for) but I do pray. That never left me.

So I’m in the class contorting my body in all types of poses and I keep breathing peace.  Peace with every move and with every pose. At the end when we have our savasana (quiet time).  I tear up. It was the most grounded I had felt since the break up. I really needed that. I realized sometimes I have to get myself truly quiet to feel an answer. I’m going to be upping my yoga frequency for sure. 💜

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