So I’ve talked a big game about trying to move on… But the truth is I never fully stopped texting Jack. We had already agreed that he wouldn’t reply back (because I asked him not to) so except for one text he kept his word. My reasoning again for this is I thought it would make moving on easier. Instead it made it more gray.
A few days ago, I sent him a podcast I thought would be good for him. At the end I said “if this is getting annoying feel free to block me.” I always had this fear that Jack was rolling his eyes each time I texted him or even worse yet laughing about his “Crazy ex.” Please note…I would much rather prefer a block.
This time instead of the planned silence that I had received for over a month… He replied. My heart jumped! It was sweet and thoughtful and said he enjoyed my texts and read/listened to the things I was sending him. He wouldn’t be blocking me and I can feel free to send things his way. Instantly half of the moving on I had been faking rushed back.
Over the next couple of days I continued to send him messages. He replies every couple of times and it makes me want to talk to him more and more. The heart pieces come back and at first I’m excited.
I was telling my work peeps about the messages and they could tell I was happy. I could tell they were curious, at best. Then one of my friends asked me “Jill, how would you feel if an ex was texting Jack like you are when you guys were dating?”
I paused and thought for a second. It was a very valid question and one I hadn’t thought of. Then I replied saying something like “Jack really doesn’t give much choice about who he texts. He’s pretty independent and any woman should recognize what they are getting into when they date him.”
I didn’t think much about my answer until 3 am the next morning. I woke up in a straight panic and my mind was going 100 mph.
I had always thought when I was sending him things it was to encourage him. I know him well and love him a lot. It was the best of intentions because I really do want him to be happy.
Then at 3 am yesterday morning shit got real. I came to grips with my real motives. They weren’t as pure as what I had been saying.
I was texting Jack so he wouldn’t forget about me. I wanted him to remember how much I care and how funny I was. I had hoped it would help him realize that he made a mistake and sees a future with me.
My next train of thought was in regard to my friend’s question. If a woman was texting Jack with those intentions… I would feel so insecure. So it wasn’t okay that I was. I had to stop. Not limit texts but actually stop.
Going cold turkey is hard for anything. Not texting to save my heart doesn’t work, I text anyway. I think I can handle it. I know he’s actually a great guy just doesn’t want to date me. But because it’s the right thing to do it makes it black and white.
I have a slight obsession with trying to do the “right” things in life. I’ve had a lot of bad things happen in my life and I almost bank on the idea of karma. It makes me feel like I can control something that will send good things my way. It’s also why I try so hard to be self reflective. What can I control to ward off difficult things?
So recently I’m trying to handle the heartbreak differently. I’m taking some of the emotion out of the situation and focus on my symptoms. I’m trying to get out of my head.
1. My anxiety has been through the roof. So I’ve been taking St. Johns Wort, singing a lot, and trying to avoid things that remind me of him. Sometimes when I’m laying down its really bad. So I put a heating pad on my stomach. The warmth makes the giant butterflies settle down.
2. My heart is once again hurting. I read an article that said taking Tylenol will sometimes help. So I’ve been trying that. It makes the intense pressure in my chest relax a bit.
3. Each time I miss Jack I remember that just because I’m still thinking about him doesn’t mean he’s the one for me. It means I miss him and thats normal for how much I love him. It’s okay, I may always love him and I’ll get through this better.
Link to what helped me realize this:
4. I have diverted my extra attention to myself. I am going to more yoga classes, listened to inspirational podcasts, got my haircut and even a facial. One of my work peeps even recommended that I sign up for an improv class. I did! It starts in a few weeks.
5. I am on a few dating sites still. I won’t message anyone that I’m not completely interested in. If I’m interested I’ll stop when I’m not. So far only I’ve only messaged two guys back. They each only lasted a few messages.
One thing that I learned from dating Jack is real relationships are worth waiting for. I was excited for his replies from the VERY beginning and through the very last message. It felt very different from anyone else and I’m not going to settle for anything less now. There were other things as well and the more I am healing the more I learn. I’m realizing there were things I need to work on to be a better partner.
So there will be blogs in the future that are more Jill’s Adventures in Life versus dating.. I promise you that’s just as exciting 💛