2017 The Year of Love

This was the year where I had that butterfly, eyes in the sky, rose colored glasses love. This year is what I hold on to when I get discouraged. This year gave me hope that someday I’ll have another like this. This year was something that I look back upon and smile.

To be honest, though, I feel like I’ve dedicated enough of my blog to telling the love I had for this year and this person in particular. So, I will allow you to refer back to any blogs between 2017 through 2018.

2018 The Lost Year

When I was 13 I LOVED going to the pool! Each morning I would check the weather (anything above 60 was doable), grab a towel and head down the local pool with my sister and cousins.

We stayed and swam until closing time each time and dreaded swim meets or storms that closed the pool early. We raided our houses for quarters for nachos, put on sunscreen to say we did (although we hardly put it on) and put on our swimsuits.

My favorite swimsuit was a hand me down with light blue and white stripes with pink flowers on it. The coloring on it was faded and the straps were so stretched out that I used a pink barrette to create a makeshift racer back.

That summer in my swimsuit I was feeling especially confident. I was starting to really like boys and had a few boys that were interested in me too. When I think back I can still smell the chlorine and half ass sunscreen mix that only the local pool can provide.

Towards the end of that summer, we all went to go swimming at my aunts pool. I was so excited because I’d be swimming with my cousins and one was my age and brought a guy friend.

I wanted to look my best so I brought my favorite swimsuit. I asked my sister to do my barrette in the back and jumped in with a cannon ball! I wanted to make a big splash!

Well it turns out I did…

As I was getting out of the pool to grab a snack my aunt yelled “Jill come here” with a look of complete horror.

She quickly grabbed a towel, met me at the ladder and wrapped it around me.

“Jill your swimsuit is completely see through” she whispered in my ear.

I was mortified. I have no idea how long or how many swimming trips that you could see my 13 year old jiggly bits out of the water. How much of that confidence that I had was built on my charming personality? How much was based on low key porn? Who knows?!

So I know what you’re thinking … how does this childhood trauma relate to 2018?! Well you know that feeling in your stomach when you remember an especially embarrassing childhood moment? That ping and involuntary hand to cover your eyes feeling.

That’s how I feel about 2018.

When I look back at the time and energy I spent on Jack and Brent during that year I just want cover my eyes. It’s not because they are not great guys. They both are in their own right. (I consider Brent one of my really good friends.)

The embarrassment is how much I wrote about 2 men that clearly stated they weren’t interested in me. I still can’t figure out why I wouldn’t have made the prerequisite to giving my attention to man that they do the same.

I was like the 7th grade version of me that wrote JTT a fan letter to an address found in the back of Teen Beat. I checked my mailbox daily for his declaration of love in return. He never wrote back. I guess I should have learned this lesson then.

Then in the reverse of this, I think about some of the men that were into me. I let these moments fizzle too quickly and didn’t appreciate the person they were. While I know they aren’t the ones for me (because we would be together if they were), I wish I could say I tried to my best. However I didn’t.

Ironically enough I learned this ah ha moment in conversations with Brent and a couple other friends. They kept challenging me when I was interested in someone new.

Does he message first?

When was the last time he messaged you?

Has he asked you out?

They even compared me to a bear with a net. I wasn’t allowing men to chase me and I was scaring off the ones that may have.

They would ask probing questions over and over again. They would laugh when I would make excuses or told my latest Jill is a bear story. They did this until I got it. It completely the way I view dating.