Marcus* and I started talking on Match.com. Marcus, of course, sent me a message first (yes I rarely send the first message). In this opening message, he seemed really into my profile and asked me a lot of questions about it. He had similar goals as I did and stressed these goals throughout his note. I immediately thought “This is a guy who is ready for a family!” I found this to be a little bit unusual since he was only in his mid-twenties. Let me tell you about guys in their mid-twenties, they are a either a dog that will hump your leg or a dog that will stay by your side forever. There is no in-betweem. I try not to judge a guy by his age but I’m also not dating to have a bunch of superficial dates. While I enjoy having fun I don’t want to just “hang out” (wink wink) so sometimes being judgey can be a huge time saver.
The parts of his profile that didn’t include the “I want to be married” sentiment had stories about him running marathons and volunteering. He was a guy who was goal oriented and a real get em done guy. Really impressive on paper. I was hesitant to reply back in an interested way because that’s a little much. If a guy has a long list of all of his hobbies and interests then I think to myself “Do you ever just Netflix?” It made me a little tired reading it and I know how lazy I can be on a rainy Sunday or Saturday or Friday.. yeah you get the idea. However, I decide to reply since he had the same goals about family as I did and his message seemed so sincere it was definitely worth a try. So I answer his getting to know you questions and also asked him what he did to relax. I really wanted to know if it included Netflix… it did not.
We continue to message several times a day for the next few days. He seems really mature and continues to talk about his goals and accomplishments. He does a good job of making himself appear not pretentious but proud. He is also very complimentary to my life accomplishments and stresses what I have done. As we chat, I do realize that he is probably a lot more serious about dating than I am. (I know… I know… Is that even possible?) As we are chatting he keeps making mention of our future and how we can figure out different communication and family planning. It was just all a little much. But, I did know he was goal oriented so I brushed it off as him being a planner. I’m known for being very direct so how could I give someone else a hard time for them being direct with me?
As we move to text messaging the conversations get a little bit stranger. He sends me pictures of the home he bought. It was a multi-bedroom home that is gorgeous and designed like the inside of a Cracker Barrel. He has pictures of him outside the home and the inside pictures were almost perfect but enough imperfections to know that they were probably real. Again… a little much.
Then as we are chatting he asks the question that will come to define him in my mind… “Do you have any pictures of you when you were pregnant?”
Okay, crap just got real. The questions about my shoe habits in the summer “Do you wear sandals in the summer?” was a pale comparison to the bomb he just dropped on me. I answer “No, there wasn’t Facebook back then. Why?” Which I know find funny that he didn’t push on that. Like Facebook is the only place to store pictures? He then answers that he finds pregnant women very attractive. Now I know what you are thinking “Oh Jill! You must have stopped talking to him at that point?” Well of course not! This wouldn’t be a great blog if I had.
So after a few more days of chatting (and no more pregnancy talk) we plan a date at a local bowling alley. My friend warns me that if he asks me to shove a bowling ball up my shirt to run. Luckily he doesn’t… whew.
Marcus pulls into the parking lot and looks exactly like his photo. He has a nice car with his marathon stickers on the back and is wearing a really nice guy winter coat. I can tell this guy is good at putting on a sophisticated show. We give each other an awkward hug and proceed into the bowling alley. I did not have high hopes for this date but thought I could surprise myself.
We order beers before bowling. That was actually my idea because I needed a little relaxation from the nerves of this date. He makes light conversation and asks more getting to know you questions.
Reenactment of some of the conversations:
Marcus: Do you like to read?
Me: Sure I love to read books from comedy writers! Books from Chelsea Handler are my favorite and I love the book by Kathi Griffin. You also can’t forget Oprah!
Marcus: Do you ever read history books?
Me: I mean no… not really. I mean I can read. I mean yeah… I like books and sometimes watch the History Channel.
Marcus: What kind of music do you like?
Me: Rap, country, some rock and pop music a little bit of everything. People are actually surprised at the different types of music I like. What about you?
Marcus: Have you heard of Nigel Stanford?
Me: No is he a country singer or something?
Marcus: No, he does YouTube videos of music’s effects on matter. I enjoy listening to that while learning.
Me: Mmmm… K…is that like techno?
Never before have I ever felt like such an idiot in a date. I find myself fumbling through what to say and how to answer things. We continue to bowl… which let me tell you is a HORRIBLE first date idea. I mean it’s your turn then their turn. It makes it difficult to carry on a conversation. Then finally it is time to go. I actually enjoyed parts of the date and realize this guy is genuine but not for me… at all. The real kicker was at the end of the date, as we are leaving, we both have about half of our beers left. I of course chug mine. I mean after all why leave good beer behind? But, he put the half full beer on the counter to put it away. That was definitely the nail in the date coffin.
He then walks me to my car and gives me another awkward hug. I immediately feel for the guy. I realize while he has the best of intentions and is worried about appearances but he’s missing a little of that social swagger that is needed to land a lady. He apparently had similar feelings about me. I did not receive the few minutes after text expressing his great time and asking me to take off my shoes and carry his baby. I was really okay with that…I like to wear shoes and my womb has a few more years before occupancy. On to the next one…
Where do I begin? I have one for you! First off, I can’t be mad at this guy. One of my most awkward confessions is that I too find some pregnant women attractive. Some. Not a fetish but it’s a thing. More like if you happen to be sexy and you’re pregnant, hey, you’re still sexy you just happen to have a human inside of you, which is no different than intercourse in most instances.
Okay, maybe it’s a little different to have a human inside of you in that manner.
This guy seems like he has one of those reclusive personalities. I’m all for weird music but effect on matter? Ehh, that conversation would have had an effect on the matter of whether or not I would end up as an ornament on his insanely large Christmas tree if I ever upset him. Guys like that only like the huge trees so they can use heads as ornaments. They make the smaller trees tip over.
Bowling sounds like a great date, just not with someone who has a personality so try that burned toast would sit back and wonder how it could get even dryer just to compete.
Also, any man who leaves half of a perfectly good beer is someone to never be trusted. If I were you I would have grabbed his beer, chugged that one too, and told him “that’s how you do it right” before walking away.
I guess I’ll be visiting your blog on a regular basis now because I definitely need more of this in my life lol. Great post.
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I think you take it to the next when you ask for a preggo pic 😉 I debated on drinking the other beer but you never know how crazy this guy could be… so my goal was to NOT swap spit with him at all! Thanks for the follow back! Follow back youngin’ woo woo… or something like that 😉
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Oh… MAN!!! (Okay, I read the first half of this the night you posted it, then had to help my daughter with math homework. Just finished reading it now — I don’t have my monkeys this weekend.) Oh, MAN!!!! Ugh, not awful, but not great, either. Not really anything, huh? Ugh. Hugs, sister. Well, points for the bloggable material 😉 and high-fives for finishing your alcohol! 😀 (I’m with you there!)
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Lol never leave half a beer 😉
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