Let me just say this blog is not for the faint of heart but it’s beyond too much…
So I began to talk to Derek* on OK Cupid. He was really sweet and wrote me very thoughtful (while lengthy) messages. We wrote paragraph after paragraph to each other. I thought he was cute and looked very friendly 🙂
After getting my phone number he called me after only a few text messages. I was so impressed by this! I thought dang this guy is pretty amazing! We chatted for a few hours the first time and I was really excited for the date we planned.
This guy truly had EVERYTHING I was looking for in a guy:
- Browns Fan
- Great Job
- Ready for a relationship
- Committed to the dating process
- Thought the same things about me…
So we planned our first date shortly after our first conversation. (Can I just say nothing is more annoying then a long term pen pal? Ugh!) We met at a park to walk around before going out to dinner. Let me clarify, this was a public and busy park (little chance of murdering happening). He brought me beautiful flowers and I could tell that he had very kind eyes so I agreed to walk around with him. We kept the conversation going throughout even when I put my foot in my mouth…
Actual conversation (paraphrased a little):
Me: Oh yes! I always laugh at the most awkward situations. Like moments when you really shouldn’t laugh. Funerals, church services, bad comedy (only in person) or even in Lamaze class during the visualization part. I mean if I ever start laughing in a situation where I shouldn’t I just think about dead puppies to make me sober really quick.
Him (looking down): Jill that’s really bad.
Me (not realizing what’s happening): Yes I know but it helps me stop laughing.
Him: Jill… I had a puppy when I was younger… (yeah we know where this goes)
So yeah after some awkward moments we continued talking and walking through the park. Don’t worry everyone not once during this park walk was I alone or in danger!
This was not like the “Other date”. We then played miniature golf (I believe I won… well not really but I gotta keep up my golf score street cred) and then went out to dinner. At dinner I kept the appropriate conversation going by reading tweet from my fave twitter handle @The_HelenKeller
I spent more time crying, trying to breathe, and handing him my phone then actually reading.
So needless to say I was really turning on the charm. We gave a goodnight kiss and I was happy! I thought man this guy is really great and I really felt comfortable with him. I even thought I felt a little chemistry.
We went on many more dates after that. Every single one I felt comfortable and enjoyed spending time with him. He was just like home! However, I realized I was missing that chemistry spark that just ignites. That I want to kiss you and make out with you and just squeeze you feeling! I legit was stressed about this. How could I like a guy so much and think he’s perfect and NOT just want to grab him?! I mean he was really good looking, sweet and always doing romantic things for me. I really should be feeling different.
Let me tell you about the best date we had:
So about 10 dates in we had planned for him to drive to my house and to go out to dinner. I really needed to run errands and we were averaging about 3 dates a week so I thought “yeah lets go run errands together”. Now I know this isn’t the most spark worthy date but sometimes when you’re dating that often you need to get stuff done too.
I talked with my sister on the phone about stopping by her house to pick up my sunglasses I left that previous weekend. My eyes were getting annoyed at the sun beaming in them so I really wanted them. As I was talking to her making plans she said “Oh Jill, don’t mind the dead kitten in the box. I can’t imagine burying him and (her husband) won’t be able to bury him.” Side note: I now realize how ironic this is from my previous story… but I’ll continue.
So Derek shows up ready for what he thinks is a super romantic dinner date. He walks in the door and I legit say “Hey, I was thinking about running errands today. How do you feel about burying a dead cat together and then going out to dinner at my favorite place to eat?” He looks confused and I explain how my sister is upset about her kitten and that I want to help her out. Like the perfect guy he is, he says “You bet!” and we head over there.
We drive the 45 minutes to my sister’s house and I tell him to stay in the car. I mean I don’t know if it’s weird to introduce a date so early on to your family. Also, I didn’t know what dead cat date protocol was… none of my dating books have that. So I walk in and ask her where her shovel is. She tells me where it is and Derek goes to get it. My sister and her children go outside and they meet Derek. Instantly, her kids just love him. I mean it was an immediate connection. It was almost what I wish I had with him (but includes more kissing on my part).
We have a small funeral around the base of the tree for little Boston. We all say kind words and how we loved him. Afterward, Derek said for us to go inside and talk (we were both going through a little family situation) and that he’ll come inside when he was done. It was a quick burial and he comes inside shortly after we do. I question him on the depth of the burial due to other animals being around but he assured me it was safe. I did NOT want that call from my sister in a few days.
So, we’re about to leave to go eat at my favorite bar. It was now time for that special date! My sister says “Hey! Can we come too? Wait, is that weird?!”
So we have to choose a different place because I am not bring my sister’s children into a bar (even if they do have great food). We drive separately and her littlest wants Derek to hold her and carry her in the restaurant. We eat dinner together and immediately I felt that comfort. Again, comfort not chemistry. During the dinner my sister asks him those kind of questions normally dad’s do:
- What are your intentions with my sister?
- My sister wants more kids, how many kids do you want?
- You guys live kind of far away if things work out are you planning on moving here?
- Do you want to get married someday ?
I laughed because honestly that’s how my family is. We are very honest and direct and aren’t afraid of asking questions. Derek took the grilling in stride and handled each answer very matter of fact. I could tell that he had really thought about a potential future with me.
The dinner (and interrogation) ended and we headed our separate ways. My sister and her kids in one car and Derek and I in another.
Now, this was a situation where I KNEW Derek should be the one for me. My mind was telling me yes and all signs pointed him being my forever guy! He knew it… why didn’t I? He was sensitive and always listened. He always remembered what I had to say and even bought me quarts of milk and pickles for when I come over to his house (my favorite drink and one of my fave snacks).
I wanted so bad to feel that spark with him. I tried to not want it (so it would just happen), I prayed for it (many, many, many nights) and even wanted to be his girlfriend hoping that title would change something within me. I hated that it wasn’t there for me and felt a little like a failure. Like seriously?! I’m not always the girl who likes the guy that is mean to her…I really don’t … but there are guys that are indifferent about me and I have felt more spark with them then him.
Now to everyone who thinks “Wow Jill is so mean! She lead this poor guy on” I need to be very clear, I am honest with the guys I date. There were numerous conversations about my feelings with Derek.They were really tough conversations for me and I kept trying to figure out when am I just being mean. At what point are the conversations too frequent, his feelings too strong, and my lack of feelings too much.
This drive to like him brought out the worst in my personality. I know this may sound counter intuitive to how I should be reacting but I was not proud of it. I started to feel a lot of pressure (I put on myself) and started getting short with him and not enjoying his romantic gestures. I was not the person I wanted to be when I was with him. I felt it and while he said he didn’t see it that way… I knew the woman I can and have been.
So at the end of a month and half it was time and I had to end it. It was really tough because I felt I was making a huge mistake. In the back of my mind I thought if I held on long enough it would be there. But I knew in my heart it wouldn’t be and that the journey to get there wouldn’t be worth it. After several months and periodic contact with Derek I’ve realized I made the right decision.
I know my future soulmate is out there… waiting in the shadows… kind of like a cat does… well a cat that is alive.