So in my great masterpiece, The Business of Dating Requires What?, I talk about my choice in birth control. Specifically about the insertion of an IUD in what I like to call my “business”.

To keep with this theme I will tell you a little bit about another insertion… but this time in my “party”.

First I must tell you about my eating habits. I think they are a great precursor to my initial concern.

I LOVE spicy foods! Like love them!

I had an ulcer during the time of the Jack* break up (over a year ago).

So before I left the doctor’s office then, I asked him about spicy foods. The doctor said they were fine and ended with “I mean I wouldn’t use Tabasco sauce or anything?!”

I laughed …Tabasco sauce is my ketchup equivalent. Not even hitting on my spicy radar. I knew then my ghost pepper salsa was out for a while. I limited it for a short time, took my meds, and had no further problems… until a few weeks ago.

I’m staring in the toilet into a white bowl with bright red water. I (being a woman with the pseudo ability to have children) thought it was my bi-monthly visitor. I’m sure that’s what everyone would think. I can name all the nicknames if anyone is confused (Aunt Flo, Shark Week… etc)

However after a few strategic wipes I realized that was not the case.

Looking back I should have been a little more disturbed by the murder scene. However, it wasn’t until the sequel a few days later, that I thought this should be something to get checked out. I figured that my Carolina Reaper jerky the night before had done some damage.

That afternoon (on my 36th Birthday) I called my doctor about my bloody situation. I was hoping for a doctor visit, but as I feared, was told to make a trip to the ER. I looked at my calendar and determined that night would be the best timing.

Side note: Isn’t funny that as an adult I book my health around my calendar. Not the other way around. I need to work on that.

My teenage daughter and I stop for a quick birthday meal of Mc Donald’s happy meals and head over to the local ER.

The ER was an absolute mad house. So many people and so many interesting stories being told loudly on speakerphone conversations. I was really glad that I had taken a shower and put on a comfy hoodie. I knew we were going to be there a while and wanted to be comfy for the entertainment of people’s lives.

After an hour or so they brought us in the room. The first test they had to run was a digital exam. Now I know what you’re thinking…

“Digital? Like computers Jill?”

I wish.

Digital like fingers…So with my daughter in the room they decide to manually check me for hemorrhoids and blood.

Doctor to my daughter: “Do you want to step out of the room?”

Her: “Nah, I’ll just hold my mom’s hand and play on my phone.”

Me: “You better not put any Snapchat filters down there.”

Her laughing: “Mom, seriously?!”

Doctor inserts two fingers into the door of the party.

I shift uncomfortably.

Me with a wink to her: “Don’t worry, this isn’t the first thing that has been in there this week.”

Her laughing hard now: “Mmmoooommmm!”

Doctor also laughing at the absurdity : “You ladies are a spicy pair huh?!”

The doctor didn’t find anything with her fingers. Luckily I cleaned really well in preparation. So she ran bloodwork and eventually ran me through a cat scan. That came back clean (like her fingers) so the next course of action was a Colonoscopy. Not what I wanted to hear.

I made the appointment as soon as I could which was a couple of days for my initial consultation. The doctor who seen me in his office went over my family history. My grandfather had cancer in that area and my issue warranted the colonoscopy. The appointment was about a week later.

Now the idea of a colonoscopy was really scary to me.

1. I hate being put under for anything. When I was 19 I broke my nose and during my surgery had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. I remember waking up panicking with an intense headache and feeling like 100 degrees. I have only been put under once since then. So not enough for me to feel comfortable.

2. I didn’t know who I’d bring to come with me. They said I couldn’t drive and couldn’t call an Uber. My sister recently had a baby so I didn’t want to add anything to her plate.

3. I was afraid of what the results may be. My mind went to a really bad place and I was thinking about what kind of fighter I’d have to become. What would happen if I lost that fight? Maybe this was why I wasn’t with anyone? I had to fight for myself first.

4. The most practical… The camera with a long pole… my party… not a combo I want to have happen. Enough said.

So needless to say my anxiety was high. I eventually just went ahead and asked my sister. She so lovingly got her girls cared for and was going to bring her newest baby. A welcome anxiety calmer. 😍

Now to anyone that hasn’t been through a colonoscopy before here are the stages:

THE PREPARATION

This by far is the worst part. Each doctor has their own method for preparing the party for the grand entrance of the camera. Here was my doctor’s:

The Day Before

No food. Liquid diet only. I prepared chicken bone broth from the store with garlic, jalapeño, and onion the night before. I bought Sprite, water, and various drinks.

I had to work in another building about an hour and half away from my house that day. I carpooled to avoid having to drive. By mid day I felt just “not right” and really tired. I got through my meetings giving my best but it wasn’t all that good. By the drive home I was really grateful I didn’t have to drive… and that we stopped for a pickle juice slushee.

Later that Night

When I got home I took a quick shower. I had heard of the effects of the next stage and wanted to be as clean as possible.

In the shower I even had a thought “Should I shave back there to get ready for my close up?”

I ultimately ran out of time so decided against it. If there was any judgment in my choice I didn’t hear it. The pictures I received didn’t show that angle… thank goodness.

I got out and prepared my drink. It is a prescription called “Suprep Bowl Prep Kit.” I think it is trying to appeal to a male demographic to remind them of the Super Bowl.

I had to mix the prescription drink with a clear liquid, I chose water. As a woman that can take a shot with ease, drinking this 16 oz drink was painful. It tastes like the worse medicine you can imagine. I shot gunned it and resisted the urge to bring it back up.

Afterward, I then had an hour to drink 32oz of any other liquid. They say you can take an hour, however, I used the first 16oz as a chaser. I drank it fast and in the back of my throat. I then plowed through the next 16oz I didn’t want to wait.

Within minutes I felt the desired outcome. My stomach started cramping and as a high school friend put on Facebook it was a few hours of a “thousand waterfalls.” It started out as productive and cleaning out my party of any leftovers.

Eventually though it was just water. So much I swear it had to be coming out of any hole available. This repeated itself multiple times over the hour, it went out like it came in… fast.

I had prepared for this part which made it easier. I had flushable wet wipes, charged phone and fresh toilet paper. While it wasn’t fun by any means it wasn’t horrible. Even with all the cleaning options I was sore after that round.

I only drank the bare essentials that night in fear of another exodus.

The Next Morning

I woke up bright and early to start Round 2. Yes as if that area wasn’t clean enough I had to do the whole thing over again. This time though the mental game of the taste of the drink got to me. I dreaded each drink and tortured myself with sips and holding back the vomit reflex. Eventually I got the drink down and the 32oz of water.

I was so tired that I laid down afterward. I figured I hadn’t drank much the night before so it wouldn’t be as bad.

Not a good idea…

I woke up 30 minutes later to a wet surrounding. It was clearly a party noise maker gone wrong. Not my finest moment. But hilarious now.

I jolted out of the bed and finished up the cleaning from the night before. As I expected it wasn’t nearly as long but was just as intense.

I wasn’t able to eat or drink after that so I cleaned my bed and slept until it was about time to leave. I took a shower (again didn’t shave it was beyond sore at that point) and drove with my sister to the appointment.

THE PROCEDURE

When I got to the doctor’s office there were many people in there waiting. We were all clearly in there for the same reason. Wednesday was Colonoscopy day. There was some small talk and eventually the women in there assured me the procedure wasn’t going to be bad at all.

When I got back to the room I put on two hospital robes (one in the front and one in the back), got an IV and waited… and waited… for a while. I used my breathing techniques from yoga, prayed, and thought of the reasons why I was grateful for that moment. It definitely helped calm my nerves.

The nurse came back to get me and I kid you not said…

“Are you ready for the party?”

I laughed and told her about my idea for this blog. She took note of the website and we were laughing about it. This was the last thing I remember talking about before the procedure.

I woke up a short time later. I was a little groggy but really really gassy!

The doctor had pumped up my body with air to view everything. That air like in a balloon needed to escape. So I had full permission to not be a lady and let them rip. It was glorious and medically directed.

We stopped on the way home for a cheeseburger and I relaxed the rest of the night watching Netflix. There was no pain or discomfort. I was tired from my body going through so much but was physically fine.

THE RESULTS

NO CANCER first and foremost!

MY CONCLUSION

I know that getting a colonoscopy is scary. But the idea of getting one was worse than actually going through it. If you have issues, are at the age to get it checked, or have been told you need one GET IT DONE! It was not so bad and completely worth easing my worry 🧡💩🧡