May 4th – The Aftermath

Thank you so much for the donations to my fundraiser for American Cancer Society! We have now raised $220 toward resources to help assist cancer patients and their families.Whether you donate money, time, or just a kind gesture of help to those around you, I will consider this challenge a success. ❤️

So I’m sure each of you will think you know what happened after the penis-coptor incident. You probably imagine that I blocked Neil’s number from my phone after giving him a good verbal takeover. You’d be wrong…

He messaged me shortly after getting home and we talked later that night. The conversation was short and I told him that I needed to think about everything that happened. The first date was so good and the conversation was so natural. How can a little crazy driving, runny eggs, or pants off moment ruin that initial meeting? Also, when I was talking to one of my girlfriends she said she dated a man very similar to Neil and he was really good in other aspects of the relationship… bow chicka bow WOW! So I was curious there too. So I decided that the difference between the dates was the level of alcohol consumed. So we agreed to a third date with no alcohol.

The night before the date I gave him a quick call to see if our plans were still on. We started out with some basic “How was your day?” chat. Then I asked him about what we are doing the next day. He got quiet. I thought he was going to apologize. Instead he told me that he started dating someone else at the same time as me and that he liked her more and wanted to only date her. I literally started laughing, at him and myself. I don’t know if he thought I was crying… but Neil moved on to the “You’re great” speech. I rolled my eyes so hard. I interrupted him laughed and said goodbye.

Later that week I talked to my therapist about the entire experience. I heard a lot of concern about the way I handled the date from my close friends and I was curious if it was a sign of something bigger. I told her the good, bad, and the ugly.

There are two major things from this date experience that changed the way I see dating…

The first was my therapist’s feedback after our discussion. She told me that the way I handled that night was the perfect way and I should be proud. I listened to my gut and everyone got home safely. She talked to me about frequent trauma and the way that it can hyper focus your senses in dangerous situations to read people very closely to protect yourself. Then we talked about the other times when I have been in a car with an impaired driver and how I handled it. They were different because they likely needed to be handled differently.

She said what I need to work on is the fact that I didn’t end it right after he walked out the door. I listed all the reasons why I had said it was okay. She said you listed a lot of things that you want in a partner but have you ever made a list of deal breakers? I know in previous blogs I have listed things from running in the rain to must not smoke. Someone who doesn’t make me feel safe should be a listed as a No Way. I began to think about all of the things in some of my key toxic relationships that I ignored because of the good I saw. I’m sure long time readers can name a couple of them…

The second lesson was something I realized for myself. The potential danger and the work needed in online dating is no longer worth the benefit of a relationship. Turning 40 has changed my view on the importance of a romantic partner. I don’t know if it is the building of self confidence with therapy or if I am just more realistic about the cycle of dating, but I am now just as happy single as in a relationship. I have found the magic moments and benefits for both and the downsides.Instead of adding all the extra work of swiping, first messages, and dissecting online profiles to find red flags I have decided to just trust in the universe. I’ve been pretty lucky so far 😉


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