Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope your day was full of family, good food and a moment where you could reflect on what you’re thankful for.

I always celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. It is often the only time I see my aunts and uncles. My family is hilarious and I often leave with a belly full and energized for Black Friday shopping!

This year was no different. I got to see some of my favorite people and hug on the babies. As I was driving to Kroger this morning to pick up last minute cooking supplies I began to think about what am I most grateful for this year.

After several thoughts it came to one key theme LOVE…

Love for my Family 💜

This past year has been a series of ups and downs. Throughout the journey my sister has always been a phone call or Facetime away. Her and her family came over for a full work day in the summer, made me a thoughtful late night delivery when I was so sad I couldn’t even answer the door and heard me go on and on about the same things. Our relationship continues to grow and become stronger with each year. She is the true definition of family.

My beautiful daughter. I don’t talk much about her on here because I believe in a clear line between dating and my kid… but any gratitude post would be vastly incomplete without her. She is beyond exceptional! Perfect blend of smart and sassy. She’s my best friend, greatest road dj (Mama this one is a banger) and truly the Rory to my Lorelai.

 Love for my Friends💛

This year I have tried to focus on being a good friend. Yet it doesn’t matter how good I am to my friends they always out do me. They send me the best text messages, tell the funniest stories and know the exact moment to make sure I’m okay. These past few months, especially, I have been beyond grateful for the words of encouragement, stories of heartbreak (to remind me I’m not alone), and the listening ear over drinks or yoga. It has been much needed and something I can never repay.

Love & Romance ❤️

This was the tough one and the joy moment I had today. It is so easy for me to think about the last few months and the heartbreak that has accompanied it.

I had a realization, most of this year was spent being head over heels for a great guy. I had a year of heart jumps at every single text message, calls to listen and laugh, and a partner to get through life. While it may not have worked out; the joy, exciting fear and feeling of having found my life love was one that I can’t take away.

I am so grateful for allowing myself to fall for a risk. Yes, it was a little embarrassing writing a blog declaring that this is the man I will marry and then the next how he broke up with me. However, I jumped in full force and fought like hell to get him back. It was worth it because now I know I can and I will for the next guy. Love cannot be planned, has no timeline and is always worth it. I have learned many lessons through this process that will bring me closer to my true love.

Love for Myself

I have said it before but now is the time for me. I’m taking classes, making time for friends and family and enjoying peaceful moments where I can reflect and be grateful!

This year has not always been easy but with the abundance of love from my family, friends, a joyful romance, and my strength I have so much to be thankful for! Truly thankful 😍

Every yoga class the teacher offers the option of setting an intention for my yoga practice. In my previous blog I wrote my intention of peace and the power it brought to me that evening. The mood in the room that night was serious, the light was dim and the music was calm ohms with beat.

The next yoga class after that, I was having a rough day and determined my intention that night was happy. I needed to have fun and just get my mind off of things. I started with setting up my mat. It was pin quiet in the room and yet my new mat was really squeaky, my water bottle extra slurpy, and I dropped my bag really loudly. I felt like a toddler in church without snacks or a leash.

The teacher joined the room that night and was clearly new and really bubbly. She stumbled through the poses and often mid pose we would all start laughing. There was one minute when she was demoing the crow pose. She looked at the guy in the room and said “This isn’t for you because you have a bad elbow”.

The guy laughed and confirmed. The lady next to him said “Yeah I have a bad wrist so I’m out.”

I ended with “I have zero balance and like my face so…Yeah.”

The yoga teacher laughed and we all moved to downward dog.

At the end of the class I was so grateful and was smiling as I was packing up. The guy next to me leaned over and asked if I wanted his mat spray. (No innuendo in his tone) He said “It will clean your mat and make it smell good!”

I took it and sprayed down my mat. He was telling the truth…it smelled like lilacs. Mmmmm… When I was handing it back I said “do you have anything for my pits?” (What can I say I was in a fun mood?! My intention worked!)

He laughed and started looking through his bag and said he thought he did. I packed my bags with a big smile and walked out with my friend.

So let’s fast forward to tonight and my class. I came in class with no pre-intention. I walked in and the normally spacious room was busy and crowded. There was a space next to my friend but the length of my mat would hit the top of the other mats in front of us. I placed my mat at the very end of the mats and rightnext to a lamp… Liability already.

So just as it’s about to start the teacher says “We are going to give it a few minutes for two more to join.” I lay down, breathe and determine my intention. CONFIDENCE.

I was going to remain confident and try my best. It was going to be my night! I’m not going to hit the lamp or miss and hit the wall. I’ve got this!

The two new members come in a little late. They are legit a great looking power couple. Gorgeous and young. Beyond physically fit and yoga experts.

They survey the room for the best lighting for their beautiful frames and place their mats right in between my friend and I. The great looking guy is so close I realize any big stretches I’ll make contact…

The supermodels get settled in and we began actually setting our intention. I close my eyes and did my official breathing exercises. Breathe in my nose and out my mouth. I put my hands on my chest feeling my breath. Focusing on my energy and my thoughts:

“I am confident – I’ve got this”

I start to hear someone else breathing… This time on my other side away from the hottie! I peak out of the side of my eye and see a woman with a large neon puffer coat sitting in a metal chair about 3 feet from me. This woman I instantly identify.

This woman is the owner of the studio… Beautiful… Yoga ready… also my ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend…

I’m breathing in and out and start to laugh. I have the giggles and can barely keep it in. I know she hears me because she’s so close she could hear me shift my non yoga body on my new squeaky mat. She seems annoyed. I know she doesn’t know who I am.

Throughout the yoga I keep my confidence in my mind. Hottie on the right and yoga teacher on the left. Through my heavy breathing, trembling legs, wavering tree, and sucked in stomach…

“I am confident- I got this!”

After the class I realize something. That was the perfect lesson for me in confidence. That’s exactly what I needed. I’m not sure if the universe is looking out for me or if I’m viewing the universe in my lessons but I pretty much love it!

Here I am at home after yoga class… I’m confident – I’ve got this 😍💜

So I’ve talked a big game about trying to move on… But the truth is I never fully stopped texting Jack. We had already agreed that he wouldn’t reply back (because I asked him not to) so except for one text he kept his word.  My reasoning again for this is I thought it would make moving on easier. Instead it made it more gray. 

A few days ago, I sent him a podcast I thought would be good for him. At the end I said “if this is getting annoying feel free to block me.” I always had this fear that Jack was rolling his eyes each time I texted him or even worse yet laughing about his “Crazy ex.” Please note…I would much rather prefer a block. 

This time instead of the planned silence that I had received for over a month… He replied. My heart jumped! It was sweet and thoughtful and said he enjoyed my texts and read/listened to the things I was sending him. He wouldn’t be blocking me and I can feel free to send things his way. Instantly half of the moving on I had been faking rushed back. 

Over the next couple of days I continued to send him messages. He replies every couple of times and it makes me want to talk to him more and more. The heart pieces come back and at first I’m excited.

I was telling my work peeps about the messages and they could tell I was happy. I could tell they were curious, at best. Then one of my friends asked me “Jill, how would you feel if an ex was texting Jack like you are when you guys were dating?”

I paused and thought for a second. It was a very valid question and one I hadn’t thought of. Then I replied saying something like “Jack really doesn’t give much choice about who he texts. He’s pretty independent and any woman should recognize what they are getting into when they date him.”

I didn’t think much about my answer until  3 am the next morning. I woke up in a straight panic and my mind was going 100 mph. 

I had always thought when I was sending him things it was to encourage him. I know him well and love him a lot. It was the best of intentions because I really do want him to be happy. 

Then at 3 am yesterday morning shit got real. I came to grips with my real motives. They weren’t as pure as what I had been saying. 

I was texting Jack so he wouldn’t forget about me. I wanted him to remember how much I care and how funny I was. I had hoped it would help him realize that he made a mistake and sees a future with me. 

My next train of thought was in regard to my friend’s question. If a woman was texting Jack with those intentions… I would feel so insecure.  So it wasn’t okay that I was. I had to stop. Not limit texts but actually stop. 

Going cold turkey is hard for anything. Not texting to save my heart doesn’t work, I text anyway. I think I can handle it. I know he’s actually a great guy just doesn’t want to date me.  But because it’s the right thing to do it makes it black and white. 

I have a slight obsession with trying to do the “right” things in life. I’ve had a lot of bad things happen in my life and I almost bank on the idea of karma. It makes me feel like I can control something that will send good things my way. It’s also why I try so hard to be self  reflective. What can I control to ward off difficult things? 

So recently  I’m trying to handle the heartbreak differently. I’m taking  some of the emotion out of the situation and focus on my symptoms. I’m trying to get out of my head. 

1. My anxiety has been through the roof. So I’ve been taking St. Johns Wort, singing a lot, and trying to avoid things that remind me of him. Sometimes when I’m laying down its really bad. So I put a heating pad on my stomach. The warmth makes the giant butterflies settle down. 

2. My heart is once again hurting. I read an article that said taking Tylenol will sometimes help. So I’ve been trying that. It makes the intense pressure in my chest relax a bit. 

3.  Each time I miss Jack I remember that just because I’m still thinking about him doesn’t mean he’s the one for me. It means I miss him and thats normal for how much I love him. It’s okay, I may always love him and I’ll get through this better. 

Link to what helped me realize this:

THREE REASONS WHY HE’S STILL IN YOUR MIND 

4. I have diverted my extra attention to myself.  I am going to more yoga classes, listened to inspirational podcasts,  got my haircut and even a facial. One of my work peeps even recommended that I sign up for an improv class. I did! It starts in a few weeks. 

5. I am on a few dating sites still. I won’t message anyone that I’m not completely interested in. If I’m interested I’ll stop when I’m not. So far only I’ve only messaged two guys back. They each only lasted a few messages. 

One thing  that I learned from dating Jack is real relationships are worth waiting for. I was excited for his replies from the VERY beginning and through the very last message.  It felt very different from anyone else and I’m not going to settle for anything less now. There were other things as well and the more I am healing the more I learn.  I’m realizing there were things I need to work on to be a better partner. 

So there will be blogs in the future that are more Jill’s Adventures in Life versus dating.. I promise you that’s just as exciting 💛

How am I doing? Well if you’re passing by me… Good! And you?

Believe it or not I was feeling much better about a week ago. I felt like I was FINALLY getting a grasp on life and a positive perspective. 

Then last week that all changed. I saw the one thing that no one wants to see when you recently break up with someone. Jack posted a pic of him and his new girlfriend with 😍😍 as the caption. Yep. I know. let that settle in…

I could hear my recently healed heart shatter into a million pieces. 

Why? Not because I was surprised that he was dating or who he was dating. Men move on quickly. 

My heart break was that he posted a picture on his social media of her. We dated for 9 months and had a great friendship before and he NEVER would post a pic of us. He always gave his reasons and they made sense at the time. But this was always a point of insecurity for me. I knew I didn’t look like the other women he had dated and I didn’t really understand.

I know what this looks like, so I want to give my strong opinion on this. I’m pretty confident that there was nothing shady going on while I was dating him. We always went out to public places, I always got to choose them and we would  hold hands etc in public. I did text him this question as well and for the first time in a month (since we officially stopped trying to work it out) he replied. It was a definitive no and I believe him. 

So in my quest to heal I started some new habits. One of these is starting a yoga class with my friend. Just to give you some images, I am not at all flexible or graceful but I needed a challenge. Normally in class I go through the motions, clumsily, and attempt to not injure myself. My friend and I laugh at the end and have a blast! We both need the distraction.

But last night was different. I came in from a tough day in general, emotions high and was holding on to everything to avoid an emotional moment. We had a new yoga teacher and I was unsure that she’d understand my “method” of yoga. Do what I can and do my own thing when its too tough. 

The class began and the music started playing. It was one of those chanting songs. I got nervous because this level of seriousness normally throws me into the giggles. To give you an idea of how weird this kind of stuff makes me… Let me tell you about my lamaze class. 

In these lamaze classes they teach you various tricks to help work through the pain of childbirth. Breathing techniques, massaging, exercise movements, etc. Well the lamaze teacher then wanted us to walk through a visualization exercise. She put on soft babbling brook music and began sing songy  talking about deer in creeks etc. It was too much for me. I got the giggles at first, then the reaction to the giggles got me laughing harder and finally I had to step out. It wasn’t my finest moment. All in all not my thing.

So back to yoga class. The new teacher started playing the chant music and immediately I got uncomfortable. I thought “Oh no! This shit is going to be serious.” 

But then she had us lay down and breathe. No one was watching, there were no clumsy moves and I had confidence that I knew how to breathe. She then quietly talked about intention. For this class what was our intention? What did we want to come out feeling? I thought for a second and the word PEACE hit me hard.

All I want is peace. Peace in my emotions, peace in my thoughts and peace in my life. I have been trying so many things to just get my mind and heart to stop. 

My prayers have tripled since this break up. I never pray that Jack and I will get back together. If we are not meant to be that’s too painful. I pray that I’ll have patience and trust in the process. That I’ll be guided to do the right things and that my future husband will be guided as well. I’m open up to whoever that may be…including Jack. That’s what I pray for. I’m not the most religious person at all (there are jokes that I’m sure I’ll be going to hell for) but I do pray. That never left me.

So I’m in the class contorting my body in all types of poses and I keep breathing peace.  Peace with every move and with every pose. At the end when we have our savasana (quiet time).  I tear up. It was the most grounded I had felt since the break up. I really needed that. I realized sometimes I have to get myself truly quiet to feel an answer. I’m going to be upping my yoga frequency for sure. 💜