I’m confident-I’ve got this

Every yoga class the teacher offers the option of setting an intention for my yoga practice. In my previous blog I wrote my intention of peace and the power it brought to me that evening. The mood in the room that night was serious, the light was dim and the music was calm ohms with beat.

The next yoga class after that, I was having a rough day and determined my intention that night was happy. I needed to have fun and just get my mind off of things. I started with setting up my mat. It was pin quiet in the room and yet my new mat was really squeaky, my water bottle extra slurpy, and I dropped my bag really loudly. I felt like a toddler in church without snacks or a leash.

The teacher joined the room that night and was clearly new and really bubbly. She stumbled through the poses and often mid pose we would all start laughing. There was one minute when she was demoing the crow pose. She looked at the guy in the room and said “This isn’t for you because you have a bad elbow”.

The guy laughed and confirmed. The lady next to him said “Yeah I have a bad wrist so I’m out.”

I ended with “I have zero balance and like my face so…Yeah.”

The yoga teacher laughed and we all moved to downward dog.

At the end of the class I was so grateful and was smiling as I was packing up. The guy next to me leaned over and asked if I wanted his mat spray. (No innuendo in his tone) He said “It will clean your mat and make it smell good!”

I took it and sprayed down my mat. He was telling the truth…it smelled like lilacs. Mmmmm… When I was handing it back I said “do you have anything for my pits?” (What can I say I was in a fun mood?! My intention worked!)

He laughed and started looking through his bag and said he thought he did. I packed my bags with a big smile and walked out with my friend.

So let’s fast forward to tonight and my class. I came in class with no pre-intention. I walked in and the normally spacious room was busy and crowded. There was a space next to my friend but the length of my mat would hit the top of the other mats in front of us. I placed my mat at the very end of the mats and rightnext to a lamp… Liability already.

So just as it’s about to start the teacher says “We are going to give it a few minutes for two more to join.” I lay down, breathe and determine my intention. CONFIDENCE.

I was going to remain confident and try my best. It was going to be my night! I’m not going to hit the lamp or miss and hit the wall. I’ve got this!

The two new members come in a little late. They are legit a great looking power couple. Gorgeous and young. Beyond physically fit and yoga experts.

They survey the room for the best lighting for their beautiful frames and place their mats right in between my friend and I. The great looking guy is so close I realize any big stretches I’ll make contact…

The supermodels get settled in and we began actually setting our intention. I close my eyes and did my official breathing exercises. Breathe in my nose and out my mouth. I put my hands on my chest feeling my breath. Focusing on my energy and my thoughts:

“I am confident – I’ve got this”

I start to hear someone else breathing… This time on my other side away from the hottie! I peak out of the side of my eye and see a woman with a large neon puffer coat sitting in a metal chair about 3 feet from me. This woman I instantly identify.

This woman is the owner of the studio… Beautiful… Yoga ready… also my ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend…

I’m breathing in and out and start to laugh. I have the giggles and can barely keep it in. I know she hears me because she’s so close she could hear me shift my non yoga body on my new squeaky mat. She seems annoyed. I know she doesn’t know who I am.

Throughout the yoga I keep my confidence in my mind. Hottie on the right and yoga teacher on the left. Through my heavy breathing, trembling legs, wavering tree, and sucked in stomach…

“I am confident- I got this!”

After the class I realize something. That was the perfect lesson for me in confidence. That’s exactly what I needed. I’m not sure if the universe is looking out for me or if I’m viewing the universe in my lessons but I pretty much love it!

Here I am at home after yoga class… I’m confident – I’ve got this πŸ˜πŸ’œ


Just have to stop…Β 

So I’ve talked a big game about trying to move on… But the truth is I never fully stopped texting Jack. We had already agreed that he wouldn’t reply back (because I asked him not to) so except for one text he kept his word.  My reasoning again for this is I thought it would make moving on easier. Instead it made it more gray. 

A few days ago, I sent him a podcast I thought would be good for him. At the end I said “if this is getting annoying feel free to block me.” I always had this fear that Jack was rolling his eyes each time I texted him or even worse yet laughing about his “Crazy ex.” Please note…I would much rather prefer a block. 

This time instead of the planned silence that I had received for over a month… He replied. My heart jumped! It was sweet and thoughtful and said he enjoyed my texts and read/listened to the things I was sending him. He wouldn’t be blocking me and I can feel free to send things his way. Instantly half of the moving on I had been faking rushed back. 

Over the next couple of days I continued to send him messages. He replies every couple of times and it makes me want to talk to him more and more. The heart pieces come back and at first I’m excited.

I was telling my work peeps about the messages and they could tell I was happy. I could tell they were curious, at best. Then one of my friends asked me “Jill, how would you feel if an ex was texting Jack like you are when you guys were dating?”

I paused and thought for a second. It was a very valid question and one I hadn’t thought of. Then I replied saying something like “Jack really doesn’t give much choice about who he texts. He’s pretty independent and any woman should recognize what they are getting into when they date him.”

I didn’t think much about my answer until  3 am the next morning. I woke up in a straight panic and my mind was going 100 mph. 

I had always thought when I was sending him things it was to encourage him. I know him well and love him a lot. It was the best of intentions because I really do want him to be happy. 

Then at 3 am yesterday morning shit got real. I came to grips with my real motives. They weren’t as pure as what I had been saying. 

I was texting Jack so he wouldn’t forget about me. I wanted him to remember how much I care and how funny I was. I had hoped it would help him realize that he made a mistake and sees a future with me. 

My next train of thought was in regard to my friend’s question. If a woman was texting Jack with those intentions… I would feel so insecure.  So it wasn’t okay that I was. I had to stop. Not limit texts but actually stop. 

Going cold turkey is hard for anything. Not texting to save my heart doesn’t work, I text anyway. I think I can handle it. I know he’s actually a great guy just doesn’t want to date me.  But because it’s the right thing to do it makes it black and white. 

I have a slight obsession with trying to do the “right” things in life. I’ve had a lot of bad things happen in my life and I almost bank on the idea of karma. It makes me feel like I can control something that will send good things my way. It’s also why I try so hard to be self  reflective. What can I control to ward off difficult things? 

So recently  I’m trying to handle the heartbreak differently. I’m taking  some of the emotion out of the situation and focus on my symptoms. I’m trying to get out of my head. 

1. My anxiety has been through the roof. So I’ve been taking St. Johns Wort, singing a lot, and trying to avoid things that remind me of him. Sometimes when I’m laying down its really bad. So I put a heating pad on my stomach. The warmth makes the giant butterflies settle down. 

2. My heart is once again hurting. I read an article that said taking Tylenol will sometimes help. So I’ve been trying that. It makes the intense pressure in my chest relax a bit. 

3.  Each time I miss Jack I remember that just because I’m still thinking about him doesn’t mean he’s the one for me. It means I miss him and thats normal for how much I love him. It’s okay, I may always love him and I’ll get through this better. 

Link to what helped me realize this:


4. I have diverted my extra attention to myself.  I am going to more yoga classes, listened to inspirational podcasts,  got my haircut and even a facial. One of my work peeps even recommended that I sign up for an improv class. I did! It starts in a few weeks. 

5. I am on a few dating sites still. I won’t message anyone that I’m not completely interested in. If I’m interested I’ll stop when I’m not. So far only I’ve only messaged two guys back. They each only lasted a few messages. 

One thing  that I learned from dating Jack is real relationships are worth waiting for. I was excited for his replies from the VERY beginning and through the very last message.  It felt very different from anyone else and I’m not going to settle for anything less now. There were other things as well and the more I am healing the more I learn.  I’m realizing there were things I need to work on to be a better partner. 

So there will be blogs in the future that are more Jill’s Adventures in Life versus dating.. I promise you that’s just as exciting πŸ’›

I’m too clumsy for this…Β 

How am I doing? Well if you’re passing by me… Good! And you?

Believe it or not I was feeling much better about a week ago. I felt like I was FINALLY getting a grasp on life and a positive perspective. 

Then last week that all changed. I saw the one thing that no one wants to see when you recently break up with someone. Jack posted a pic of him and his new girlfriend with 😍😍 as the caption. Yep. I know. let that settle in…

I could hear my recently healed heart shatter into a million pieces. 

Why? Not because I was surprised that he was dating or who he was dating. Men move on quickly. 

My heart break was that he posted a picture on his social media of her. We dated for 9 months and had a great friendship before and he NEVER would post a pic of us. He always gave his reasons and they made sense at the time. But this was always a point of insecurity for me. I knew I didn’t look like the other women he had dated and I didn’t really understand.

I know what this looks like, so I want to give my strong opinion on this. I’m pretty confident that there was nothing shady going on while I was dating him. We always went out to public places, I always got to choose them and we would  hold hands etc in public. I did text him this question as well and for the first time in a month (since we officially stopped trying to work it out) he replied. It was a definitive no and I believe him. 

So in my quest to heal I started some new habits. One of these is starting a yoga class with my friend. Just to give you some images, I am not at all flexible or graceful but I needed a challenge. Normally in class I go through the motions, clumsily, and attempt to not injure myself. My friend and I laugh at the end and have a blast! We both need the distraction.

But last night was different. I came in from a tough day in general, emotions high and was holding on to everything to avoid an emotional moment. We had a new yoga teacher and I was unsure that she’d understand my “method” of yoga. Do what I can and do my own thing when its too tough. 

The class began and the music started playing. It was one of those chanting songs. I got nervous because this level of seriousness normally throws me into the giggles. To give you an idea of how weird this kind of stuff makes me… Let me tell you about my lamaze class. 

In these lamaze classes they teach you various tricks to help work through the pain of childbirth. Breathing techniques, massaging, exercise movements, etc. Well the lamaze teacher then wanted us to walk through a visualization exercise. She put on soft babbling brook music and began sing songy  talking about deer in creeks etc. It was too much for me. I got the giggles at first, then the reaction to the giggles got me laughing harder and finally I had to step out. It wasn’t my finest moment. All in all not my thing.

So back to yoga class. The new teacher started playing the chant music and immediately I got uncomfortable. I thought “Oh no! This shit is going to be serious.” 

But then she had us lay down and breathe. No one was watching, there were no clumsy moves and I had confidence that I knew how to breathe. She then quietly talked about intention. For this class what was our intention? What did we want to come out feeling? I thought for a second and the word PEACE hit me hard.

All I want is peace. Peace in my emotions, peace in my thoughts and peace in my life. I have been trying so many things to just get my mind and heart to stop. 

My prayers have tripled since this break up. I never pray that Jack and I will get back together. If we are not meant to be that’s too painful. I pray that I’ll have patience and trust in the process. That I’ll be guided to do the right things and that my future husband will be guided as well. I’m open up to whoever that may be…including Jack. That’s what I pray for. I’m not the most religious person at all (there are jokes that I’m sure I’ll be going to hell for) but I do pray. That never left me.

So I’m in the class contorting my body in all types of poses and I keep breathing peace.  Peace with every move and with every pose. At the end when we have our savasana (quiet time).  I tear up. It was the most grounded I had felt since the break up. I really needed that. I realized sometimes I have to get myself truly quiet to feel an answer. I’m going to be upping my yoga frequency for sure. πŸ’œ

Being a mouse in a world full of sexy cats…

“I know how to be a wife and mom, its the sexy attracting men thing that’s throwing me off.” No where is that more prevalent than during Halloween. 

A few things to know about me to gather some context:

  1. I was Mormon during my teens and right after High School. I write about this in my first blog 😘
  2. I was married and had a baby when I was 20. I was a stay-at-home mom during the first few years of my daughter’s life. Most of the time I was in pajamas with spit up and a baby attached to my hip. 
  3. I didn’t have my first drink until on my 21st birthday. My ex-husband and I went to Applebee’s for dinner. We had a one year old at the table and I ordered an Appletini. It was the only drink that I recognized on the menu. I only knew about it from my favorite show at the time, Scrubs, it was JDs signature drink.

So needless to say, I did not have a time in my life where I lead with my sex appeal. Everywhere I go there are women that look absolutely beautiful and have a lot to offer inside too! They know how to do great make up, have “just the right” amount of cleavage, and walk in heels like they are walking in sneakers. 

Don’t get me wrong I am a good looking lady (if I do say so myself) and have a lot of skills to offer. I can make and take a sarcastic comment, calm a crying baby while folding laundry, talk about sports and be my man’s biggest fan and supporter. These things though that are great in the long term but in a world of swipes left and right how am I supposed to compete?

When I was thinking about this blog, I actually was a little down on myself. Why can’t I learn to walk in heels with more grace then a baby giraffe? Bringing the Cardi “cardigan” to the party is not sexy in anyone’s book.  Can’t I just lose a little weight to feel sexier?! Why couldn’t I be more of the lady that men want on their social media instead of the best friend? 

Halloween comes round and I need to shop for a costume for a party. I see all the sexy occupations, animals and scary creature options and think hmm is it my time?! In my mid thirties? Should I break the librarian or hoodie look? I debate on many options and finally land on a costume and hit the purchase button… 

That Saturday, I ask my daughter and her best friend to do my hair and make up. I need it to look perfect! I am going to pull out all the stops. These young women know every You Tube make up person, the best pallets, and how to create a “smoky eye”. I was  going to look smokin (get it like smoky eye πŸ˜‰) for sure. They do make up better as teenagers than I ever have.

They carefully curl my hair and with precision apply many layers of eyeshadow. I get dressed in my costume and grab a pair of black heels with gold bows and flats as options and head off to the store. I walk into Kroger to get my drinks (beer of course…you didn’t think I drank wine did you?) and was surprised by the reactions of the men. I get a lot of smiles and some comments. My costume was working! 
Driving to the party stopped at a light, beers in the back, singing Young Thugs “My Best Friend”, I notice a group of women pointing at me. They are talking to a small set of eyes peering from the back seat. I turn off my music, roll down my window and get a big smile and wave. It was only then that I knew I picked the best costume for me.

Yes a lot of women can carry the hot look and yes I am a little jealous of them. However, its just not me. Yes, I can use a little more make up in my everyday life, wear my hair down more often and put a sweater on instead of a hoodie to the store. But I’m always going to be the mama with yet another cardigan and flats playing rap music. What I realized is, rather than pretending to be someone I am not, the right man will enjoy my brand of sexy! After all in dating, being you is the sexiest thing you can do in heels or flats! 😍

Oh PS… The heels didn’t even make it to the front door. I didn’t think a broken ankle was worth it to “complete the look”.

On to Round 2…

As you all know these past few months have been difficult for me. A lot of tears and even more cloudy days. I’ve been from feeling like my heart is literally outside my chest exposed to it being locked away. 

So in during of my sadder nights, I was reading an article online and it mentioned an app specifically for break ups, Mend. 

I’ve felt stuck in the last month in a crazy cycle. So I thought  “What the hell?!” and downloaded the app.

The app starts with a list of questions presented like a chat. (It made answering them a lot more fun!) After I answered the getting to know you questions it gave me my first lesson. A soothing woman’s voice talked about 3 minutes about breakups in general.

It was very enlightening and I was hooked. After the lesson it gave me a journal page and topic. It was nice to write everything I was thinking and feeling. I was excited for the next days lesson. 

The next day the topic was about “Letting Go”. 

Below was my journal entry after the lesson about the word “Why?” (this is my actual entry so not perfected by any means):

I thought about this idea all day. I mean really all day. How can I let the idea go if my gut is saying don’t?

When I first learned to drive, my dad would tell me “Jill if the car breaks down on the road don’t be afraid to let someone help you. Don’t be the woman that hides in the car. Trust your gut and you’ll be fine.” 

He has always believed in my intuition and had taught me to believe in it too.  I have always believed in my gut 100% without question. I know this is the main reason why I’ve struggled so hard with this break up. 

However, after a couple of days thinking about how I can let go, I’ve come to two conclusions.

  1. I may be wrong
  2. I have done all I can do. I have no more words, ideas or memes to send. I don’t even have a desire to send anything. (I haven’t got a reply in over 3 weeks so that helps)

This doesn’t mean that I don’t still love Jack or think we will end up together. All it means is that I’m giving up the idea I have any control over it. This is up to fate now. I will either be wrong and find the love of my life or Jack will contact me and be willing to be all in. Only time will tell. 

In the meantime, I’m moving on…actually  moving on. So far, I’ve chatted with a few cute guys with thoughtful and humorous replies.  I’m going to take my time and am in no rush. I deserve a great guy and am willing to put the work in to find him. Plus I can’t wait to tell you all about him and the misses along the way πŸ˜‰

Your card or mine?

So I’m going to be heading back into the dating world and got thinking back to the basics.  These things I honestly didn’t think I would have to worry about again… But here I am. Now this may be something that you may disagree with me on and people tend to have strong feelings about…but let me tell you my thoughts.

Who should pay for a date?

Before I dated Jack (furthermore the time noted as BJ), I went on a date with a guy named James*. James was good looking, smart and pretty nice.  He didn’t text much but wanted to meet. I looked him up on Facebook and decided “sure why not?” 

At the time I was head over heels for Jack but it was during my confusing just friends stage so I was still out there trying to date. (I will not date until I’m ready this time).

So we met at a local bar close to my house. He was good looking in person but a little awkward. We started off with small chat and a drink. The conversation was slow but when we found out we both love the same morning show the conversation started rolling. I was laughing so hard talking about the show I was tearing up. 

We then moved on to other shallow topics. When the topic of my blog came up the mood shifted quickly. Then as his drinks continued to climb his attitude plummeted…  We all know that guy πŸ™„

So about an hour and a half in and for him a six pack drank…  the sweet release of the bill comes. I immediately told the waitress “This will be two checks.” 

The guy then rolled his eyes and did the silent treatment with me. Seriously, like a third grader. I think the waitress had to go to Europe to split the check. 

This leads me to my first guideline:

If I know that I am not interested in a second date I will pay for myself.

Dating is tough enough for men. They are typically always the first message, asking for the date and are typically expected to pay. Dating is expensive and I don’t need to take away from their budget just to see if we are compatible.

However, if there is going to be a second date I always offer but do not insist. I will have a chance to get them back on the next date. It’s give and take at that point.

If I know that they will not let me pay for myself I keep it cheap. 

You can typically tell if a guy is old fashioned. The guy that is super nice but when you meet there is no spark. The guy that you know immediately “he’d make a great friend.” Not the goal of most dates. 

So in this case I keep my bill very cheap. I’ll go for a cup of soup and maybe a soda. I don’t want to fight about the bill or make it too awkward but also don’t want to take advantage. 

I never go to a place on a first date that is outside of my budget.

This is to prepare myself for the above situation. A first date is about getting to know a guy. Save the big moves for a future special woman in your life. That’s not me… on date one. 

Also, there may come a date where a wallet is forgotten or something. If that happens I don’t want my budget to be blown or me to have to wash dishes in the back.

Last note:

Finally, for the woman that use well intentioned men for a “free meal.” I have one piece of advice that someone should have told you a long time ago. Your mere presence is not worth an Outback steak house dinner with a drink and appetizer. I know your type “Yes, I’ll take the baked potato loaded. I mean really go big or go home!” πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

My advice in that situation is to go home and stay there…

A little statistic that shows me hope I may not be in the minority πŸ˜‰

2 Months and Counting…

So two months post break up. Well I guess I can say two months but honestly we talked until a few weeks ago. To someone that is getting bored of the post break up blogs and looking forward to a little dating action… I hear ya! I can’t wait for that time either.

Last week I had my monthly meeting with my counselor. I told her how I’m struggling with moving on. She gave me great advice and told me to take the next 30 Days and focus on me. Don’t text Jack* and don’t go on dating sites. It was great advice and I followed it for 3 days then… Yesterday happened.

I woke up and the very first thing I thought about was Jack. Like literally first thing in the morning. It has been a while since I was in that phase. Jack was not perfect, our relationship wasn’t perfect and yet whenever anything happens he’s the one I want to tell. 

To everyone that is thinking “Come on Jill! Get it together!” I hear ya once again.

Believe it or not I know the below things:

  • Jack is not looking for the same type of relationship I am. I’m looking for a life teammate. Someone to grow with and learn from. He’s not… At least not with me.
  • Jack is not pining after me. The last time we spoke it was clear this was one sided.  He was caring but the emotions tied to this break up are mine.
  • Jack is very clear he is not to reply to my texts or answer my calls. In a stroke of genius I thought this was a great idea and told him “Do not reply to me or answer my calls”…More to that in a minute.
  • My texting Jack or talking to him won’t make him change his mind on his future goals. That is going to take actual focus on his part, which sadly he won’t make time for. 

Now onto yesterday… I woke up and couldn’t stop thinking about him. Legit all day. I went from never texting him to sending him a bunch of random shit throughout the day. Like oh one of my favorite You Tube clips, heres a pic of my kid, here is a quote… (click on the video it’s hilarious πŸ˜‚)… I’ll wait.

Then as if the 5 unreturned text messages weren’t enough I called him. Yes I called him… He put it to voicemail. 

In a panic this was my message:

Hey Jack! It’s Jill. Good job on not picking up. I mean…umm…. That’s stupid right? Yeah I didn’t really have anything to say so  yeah umm take care. Bye!

Wow so yeah that must have been karma from me laughing so hard at that guy “free styling” in the clip above. So what do I do to stop the crazy?!

Send a text explaining how I want to talk to him again and have him reply back. Yep ladies and gentlemen I think my next blog will be about how I’m dealing with being blocked by Jack. I’m thinking that 30 day challenge sounds pretty good right now…. 

So to all my readers.. How do you move on from someone that you really think you’re meant to be with? Especially since this is the first guy I’ve felt that way about. It’s a lot tougher than I thought it would be and I’m making mistakes all around and feeling crazy in the meantime.