So I have been dreading writing this blog… which is funny because it is a long time in the making. As I told you in my last blog I got an I miss you text from Jack*.
Yes THE JACK, the one that I would have sworn I am going to wind up with at the end of this dating adventure. However, now I don’t think so.
Before I tell you why, can I just tell you how much I appreciate all of you?! No one brings out such 🔥fire 🔥 as Jack does from you… or frankly from me.
There are two very different replies I get when I talk or write about Jack…
I think we all know where my heart is at (the first, of course).
So when I wake up to several messages that end with Jack saying he misses me… my heart skips a beat. I don’t play it cool and instead go to a desperate “When do you want to hang out then?” type message. Yeah I’ve never been one that can play “Oh what do you miss about me?”. I wish I could, especially with him, but I wear my heart on my sleeve (and blog).
So later that day we start texting about something else entirely. We continue to text for the rest of the night. I called him out on I miss you and he dodged topic. We write for the rest of the night about other things
Then silence… for the next THREE days.
At this point I’m no longer disappointed I’m confused. So I sent him a message inspired by Matthew Hussey meant when a person gives mixed messages. I knew about it because I had just chatted with one of friends about it for a guy for her. Now I needed it…no more mixed messages guys of the world! Golly geez.
This is what I sent…
He replied about being friendly and it was then I realized something huge. I no longer wanted to text Jack without a purpose. I was going to protect my heart on this. I am worth more than a texting buddy when someone is bored.
I told him what I wanted. It was for us to figure out what we were doing and be exclusive while figuring it out. I wasn’t going to be friends. I have done that before and it would be too hard to do it again.
He made a joke about an intentionally funny part of my message. Then nothing. Nothing since then.
It has been two weeks.
I don’t know how I feel, because it changes daily, but I know what I need to do. I need to really move on.
I got teased a few weeks ago, “You could put Shemar Moore (one of my celebrity crushes) and Jack in front of Jill and she would pick Jack everytime. No questions.”
I agreed and we all laughed… because it was completely true.
I have thought about that a lot. What was so special about Jack? Not to keep focusing on him but so I can recognize it and move on. Of course he is very attractive but a lot of guys are. He is funny. I laugh a lot in my life without him here. He is very smart. Again not a trait that he alone has.
When I think about it, it comes to our journey.
It was instant chemistry at the beginning. The very first message I was hooked. I can look at pictures during that time and know where my relationship was with Jack. He made me laugh a lot in text and we were always back and forth. Our first phone conversation was even better and more laughing.
Then our friendship period was so full of mixed emotions. It was a constant time of patience and pure faith. I knew we would end up dating. I just didn’t know when.
Then came our relationship. It wasn’t perfect and to be honest the beginning was rocky. I really struggled with our history and my insecurities. But the final couple of months is the feeling that I had hoped for. I met his kids and he met my family. My insecurities were dying down and I began to feel like I could really count on him. I knew he would be there for me and I wanted him there.
We had moments where we worked well together (moving 5 tons of rock) and he asked me my opinion about things in his life. I felt I was in a real relationship and one I couldn’t wait to see where it went. We were going to be a power couple.
He was my true best friend I wanted to sleep with all the time and many many times. Oww oww! I thought he felt the same.
That feeling is what I’d choose over Ryan Gosling any day.
It has been almost a year since the break up. I realize I could spend another year waiting on Jack to suddenly get that he is the one meant for me. The Pam to my Jim. However, the likelihood of this happening without going through the getting to know you again friend phase again is very very low. I’ve put everything I can on the table. I am out of ideas.
So I realize as hard as it is and as much as I don’t want to. I need to fully move on. Stop comparing the excitement and comfort I felt in the last few months of our relationship to a new relationship. Stop worrying about how he is doing and who he is dating.
It will be tough but I’ll really try this time. I’ll continue to pray for him and his kids and want the best. I just can no longer look at his social media to see if it coming true. I’ll continue to love him but will reaffirm my “Jill you can love someone you are not with”.
Ugh, this is going to be tough wish me luck!