Patiently Waiting

I know so many of you have been waiting anxiously for an update… well here it is!

Jack and I went on a date two weeks ago. To say I was nervous before the date, would be a very large understatement. For the two days before hand, I was expecting him to cancel. This was not because he had a history of this or even alluded to it. I just didn’t want to get too excited. It seemed too good to be true! Brene Brown Call’s this “Foreboding Joy“.

About an hour before I was supposed to leave, Jack texted me and said “should be there in about an hour.”

I didn’t reply back because I was then starting to get ready… slowly. Plus because of my doubt compounded with my procrastination I was already running behind!

Since I didn’t reply back Jack called me and we chatted for about 20 minutes. Any concern I had about a cancellation was now completely gone. I knew it was really going to happen… Like really really happen! He even sounded excited too.

As I’m walking into the bar, we aligned on, I legit thought I was going to puke. I tried to take selfies beforehand and here is what I ended up with… I think you can see it in my eyes.

I walked in and looked around and THERE HE WAS…

I sat down and I said “Whoa this is so weird… like you’re right there.” My heart went pump…pump… silence… pump.

He laughed and turned around and texted me “hello! Is this better?”

It was sweet and perfect. The rest of the night was a blur. We chatted for a couple of hours until we both had to go. We kept it light, except for one moment…

My speech…

As you know my history of speeches with Jack… this one was shorter…

I want you to know why I am doing this again. There will be two outcomes I’ll take from this…

1. Closure so I am able to move on

OR

2. We will end up dating

We will not end up as friends.

I then laughed and didn’t wait for a reaction. I was too nervous to listen.. even though I said it in a laughing tone. Yes, I’m disappointed too. To be honest I wasn’t looking for one. I had told him this because I didn’t want to make him think I wasn’t honest.

Afterwards, my sister told me “Jill! What planet do you think that he thinks you’re going to his friend?!” She made a good point. The speech really wasn’t needed but I was glad it was truly out in the air.

The remainder of the night was so much fun and just reinforced why I am gaga over this guy. The night ended in a giant hug and promise of more DATES! Yes he said that not me.

It has been a few weeks since the first date back. I like to call this journey Jack 3.0.

We did also have a second date that I was just as pumped about, but a lot less nervous.

On the second one he brought up the festival blowup instant. I had no intention of talking about him or his ex gf for awhile. This wasn’t because I was afraid to address it but because I didn’t think that it was needed this early on.

He brought it up, although very indirectly. So I jumped right in!

I got to ask all the questions I wanted to know about their relationship and ours. To be honest, I felt sooooo much better after the conversation. While I have questioned his intentions before I have never really had a reason to question his direct answers. He gave direct answers and I trusted them.

What was so interesting to me is how I didn’t get lost in emotions when talking about it. It’s the feeling I still get whenever I see the posted pics on his social media. The conversation wasn’t that at all. Pretty grateful I maintained a clear head.

So I know I’m not giving all the details and I know normally I do. I’m in a weird place about it. Feeling very protective.

I will say though I’m really struggling with keeping my excitement level to the actual stage of our current status. Staying in the moment and not imagining a future.

I know for sure how I feel about him. I’ve known for a long time and have fought it. His experience hasn’t been the same.

My sister (seriously… one of my sounding boards) told me “Jill people are always surprised that you come back to him… I think it’s surprising that he comes back to you!”

The truth is I’ve sent him very long “I’m done doing this” out of the blue text messages, been deliriously rude after drinks and told him off in public. I act out of fear just like he does. Just in a different way.

I think that understanding of my own struggles and my love for him makes me realize this is a man I want to take the time necessary to figure it out with. I’m going to give it one more heartfelt, non-fear try. At the end I’ll have an answer one way or the other. Closure or another chance at a future. Honestly, those are endings worth waiting for.

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